Hey Joe

Warning: Religious Post Ahead

Friday March 5 6:22 PM

So it's Friday night. I'm sitting in my room at the San Damiano Retreat house in Danville California. My dad and I are attending the annual St. Bonaventure's Men's retreat for the first time in, I think, three years. I'm not sure what possessed us to go this year. Dad decided to go and asked if I was interested. While I don't always feel up to a religious weekend, I do like to spend time with my dad when I get the chance. Time goes quickly and I don't want to look back years from now and say "I wish…"

I don't think I'm what you'd call a "religious person." I have my moments of enlightenment when a revelation strikes, or when I'm feeling particularly spiritual. But often times I feel like a fraud, like everyone else gets it but me.

Anyway, right now the "meet and greet" is going on in the Fireside Lounge, a stone's throw from the Lido Deck where Isaac is mixing cocktails and Julie McCoy is organizing a snipe hunt for later this evening. I came back to my room for a spell. I like my alone time. I brought the laptop but can't find any wireless connection.

Anyway, suppose I should go back downstairs and mingle; have some wine and/or beer, or some wine and beer. Also brought a few fingers of vodka. Maybe we'll drink a toast to God.

(My room)

(My view)

9:25 PM Random reflections:

We are not created to do, we are created to be.

We did not exist until the time of our creation. Our individual creation has a purpose, and our journey is our own. We are not just flesh and blood. Why am I who I am with my experience, thoughts, etc, and you're you? There's an essence that makes you, you and me, me. For me, that essence proves the existence of God.

Saturday March 6 12:03 AM

Hung out with my brother-in-law for two hours talking. Drank some vodka to stave off the cold. Need to figure out how to set the alarm on my cell phone so that I don't miss breakfast…

12:24 AM

Damn these paper-thin walls! The snoring of my neighbor sounds like a man accosting a badger. God, please send a few well aimed lightning bolts straight up his hairy nostrils – Amen.

7:39 AM

Could have used more sleep but I'm up and ready for breakfast. The boy should be in Antelope by now for the first of three soccer games. Go Rage!

10:16 AM

The biggest problem I have on these retreats is that I'm unable to clear my mind of the day to day. We're supposed to think about where we are spiritually in our lives, but my thoughts and my life are too scattered to focus.

7:46 PM

A penance service is underway; not my bag, baby. Don't get me wrong, I've got stuff I could confess but I'd rather schedule a private convo with the boss rather than one of his subordinates. Thinking about taking a short nap before we meet at 9:30 in the chapel, but if I fall asleep I may not wake up until morning. I'm pretty beat. Four of us took a hike up into the hills this afternoon. Legs are going to be sore tomorrow.

11:46 PM

Meant to go to bed earlier tonight. What happened? A booze fueled retreater cornered me in the Fireside Lounge for a long conversation. It's all good though.

Sunday March 7 6:18 PM

Home again. Back to the real world. It's good to be home though, nestled in the bosom of my family. I missed them. Speaking of bosoms, after 48-hours with dudes, I missed those too.

(View from our hike)

"Cheez-Its are just alright with me." – Tony Hicks

So the other night we're at KC and Jenny's sponging another meal. After discussing wet burritos and genital shaped donuts, the four of us took an unexpected detour and found ourselves on the high-road, engaging in a serious theological discussion.

I had commented that I'd seen some of the Ted Kennedy funeral service on TV earlier that day, and how it seemed sort of weird watching the entire church service, and the Eucharistic celebration in particular. It sort of felt like the media was giving away the secrets of the church; to hear the commentators trying to explain the purpose and intent of the celebration, as well as the other parts of the mass, made me realize just how foreign the rituals of the church are too many.

Eventually, Heathen KC began questioning the significance of the Eucharist, arguing that it's "just a cracker," while his patient wife Jenny attempted to explain the significance of "the cracker;" that through transmogrification transubstantiation, the "cracker" becomes the body of Christ.

It was at this point that KC and I, apparently weary of the high-road, took an egress that led us back to Boorishville.

KC:    I think if the church wanted to appeal to more people they could replace the cracker with say a Cheez It®.

Me:    That's not a bad idea. And instead of the priest saying "The Body of Christ," he could say "Jesus, the Cheez It."

It was good to be back on our home turf.

Easter Rerun

Happy Easter

Holy War

Magically delicious

So it's St. Patrick's Day. I'm an FBI, so what do I give a shit?

That being said I'd like to give a shout out to a few of my crazy Irish friends;

• Annemarie McH
• Danny T
• Jim Morrison
• Neal Cassidy
• F. Scott. F.
• The girls at Harrington's Bar & Grill
• Mickey Rourke
• John F
• Jean F
• Therese F-H
• Sara F-L
• Mary F-McF
• Kevin McF
• Bono
• Brandi McD
• Danny Kaye
• John Cusack
• Bill Bryson
• Jill M-B
• Jeanette K
• Mike K
• Erin O'B
• John K
• Kris M
• Daniel Day-Lewis
• Bob Geldof
• Chandra L. C-S
• Karen S-O
• Diane R.
• Donna R.
• Rachel C
• Tracy U-C
• Jenny C-R

I love you guys.

And in your honor, here are a few Irish jokes that were emailed to me this morning. Feel free to blather them over your pints today.

 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,

"Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall,"

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's been 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

 

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Paddy was in New York.  He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,

"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,

"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

 

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

 

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah," said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little pussy."

Happy Festivus – One Day Late

While you're trimming your pole and airing your grievances, I'll be over here doing feats of strength.

I’d even offer to play a shepherd

Here's a good one for you.

My buddy KC is not known for being a regular attendee at Sunday mass. Normally he's at home watching football, occasionally keeping an eye on his 3-year old daughter while Jenny takes the boys with her to pray for daddy's soul. In fact he is such an infrequent attendee that Jenny has actually been thought by many parishioners to be a single mother. I am not making this up.

Anyway, apparently last week all the planets were in alignment and God was smiling down from the heavens because the 9:00 mass found KC joining Jenny and the kids in the front row. Now I have to say that this was a pretty big sacrifice on KC's part because the Buffalo Bills were playing that morning. As a Buffalo, native, KC is about as diehard as they come. When they first moved to California he would spend his Sundays searching for a watering hole that was broadcasting the Bill's game. It was during one such sojourn that he met future lover, advisor, Who Wants to be a Millionaire lifeline, fellow Bob, Bills lover, Kevin.

But we're getting off track.

So here we have KC the heathen at church; blah, blah, blah, *readings, sermons, songs, etc.*, and an hour later KC is sitting in the car waiting for Jenny so he can get home and catch the Bill's game.

Five minutes….10 minutes…everyone has filed out of church but no Jenny. 15 minutes! KC is considering honking the horn at this point. Finally Jenny emerges and gets in the car.

KC: What took you so long?

Jenn: After mass, a woman from the choir approached me and said that she thought you and I would make a perfect Mary and Joseph at the Christmas mass.

KC: *crickets*

Jenn: Well?

KC: WTF? Me? In a Christmas pageant? Playing Joseph? The father of our your Lord and Savior? Me? The guy who everyone thinks abandoned his wife and children because they never see him at church? They want ME to play JOSEPH? Not even a shepherd or some periphery character, but Joseph??

Jenn: Um, yea.

When KC relayed this story to me the other day I laughed my ass off. Not only because they asked him to play Joseph, but also the absurdity of possibly seeing adults performing in a Christmas pageant. Aren't kids supposed to perform in the Christmas pageant? Have they not seen A Charlie Brown Christmas?

Anyway, I begged him to say yes as it would be the best darn Christmas present I would ever receive, but he has refused.

I am now praying for a miracle. It's in God's hands.

More than just Stale Bread and Cheap Wine

I was born and raised Roman Catholic, attended catechism classes and a catholic high school. My children currently attend a Catholic elementary school and we all attend Sunday mass on a more or less regular basis. So you could say that in some way, religion has always been a part of my life, and I think I’m better because of it.

That being said, I don’t consider myself an overly religious person. I’m not a Bible thumper by any means and, in fact, get very annoyed and uncomfortable around anyone who is openly or overly religious. I’m very much a hypocrite when it comes to all of that “do unto others” stuff because I’m not always a nice guy. I don’t approach each situation in my life thinking “What would Jesus do?” I’ve done more than my share of sinning and have broken a good ¾ of the Commandments. I have found many “church going” people to be very hypocritical, holier than thou or basically full of shit.

But I find it discouraging and more than a bit worrisome that the whole concept of God is becoming very passé in today’s society. Many young people seem antagonistic toward religion and openly agnostic in their opinions about the existence of God. I hear radio personalities constantly belittling those who believe in the existence of a higher power as weak, delusional or just plain stupid.

I’ve had my share of doubts in my lifetime, especially given the numbers who have died in the name of God. The concepts don’t always make sense and certainly much of the Bible is questionable at best. Adam and Eve? – don’t buy it. I believe in evolution and yet I also believe that this thing we call life is much more than a random series of occurrences. How does one balance the two?

Consider LIFE, essentially the greatest wonder of the universe next to Salma Hayak. Exactly what is it that constitutes “life”, and I’m not talking about some anti-abortion rant about when life begins, but rather what IS life – that essence, that “soul” inside all of us that makes us who we are and everything that surrounds it? Why we are born to the people that will be our parents, at that exact moment in history? Even the most hard-core atheist has to confess that we are more than just flesh, blood and bone. There’s something about us that makes us who we are. So what is that “something” and why was it “born” in 1931 or 1965 or 1972 or 2005? Why am I me and not you?

I don’t mean for this to become some rambling, existential post, I’m simply trying to make a point that the world seems bent on killing the belief in anything that can’t be proven in a lab. That faith has become a sign of weakness, of being unable to deal with reality. But the death of faith means the death hope. And a world without hope is a world that cannot survive. And the correlation between hope and survival has been proven.

If you boil most religions down to their essence, it is this: be a good person and be good to others. Regardless of the real truth, is that really such a bad way to live?

And I don't know about you, but in the end, I'll choose hope.

Happy Valentine's Day

Yes, Happy Valentine's Day indeed, in honor of St. Valentine or Saint Valentinus which refers to one or more martyred saints of ancient Rome.

So while you breathe the sweet scent of roses and stuff your gullet with chocolate delights, try to allow just a moment of thought to squeeze in between the "me, me, me, me, me's" and think of those poor souls who, more than likely suffered a horrible, agonizing death so that today you could enjoy those Toffee-ettes and those dark nuts and chews; those pecan buds and peanut brittle. Go on, shove down another marshmallow heart with a truffle chaser. You deserve it.

XXOO

Joe

I know what you're thinking:  "Damn, that Lisa is a lucky girl."