Hey Joe

Skynet Wins

Well, it's over. I mean, really over. 

My sources tell me that John Connor has been killed. Skynet wins. The Terminators win. Arnold wins. 

All we have to look forward to is a bleak, post-apocalyptic world where we'll live lives of not even quiet desperation, in burned-out buildings, while the machines hunt us down one by one.

It was inevitable, really. I mean how many times could John avoid the continuing onslaught of increasingly sophisticated cybernetic organisms? First the T-800, then the T-1000, followed by the T-X, the T-5000, and finally the Rev-9. When the T-1000 was ordered to exterminate John, he was only a kid. An annoying one at that. There's no way the T-1000 could fail, and yet it did. And against an inferior T-800 no less!  Complete poppycock.

Anyway, I'll be making a Costco run for bottled water, rice, canned goods, and toilet paper. I knew I should have opted for a bomb shelter instead of a scooter. Oh well, no use crying about it now.  Guess we'll head east and try to lose ourselves in the mountains. Don't try to follow us. The guns loaded and I'm a pretty good sho.., wait a second. Being told I got the wrong John Connor. 

Never mind. 

Putin is Apparently a Closet Neil Diamond Fan

Listen up. A breaking report has just crossed my desk. 

It appears that, despite his, fascist leanings, total disregard for human life, and general assholish nature, Vladimir Putin loves Neil Diamond.  So much so that he recently bestowed a state decoration on Jonathan Livingston Seagull, the beloved bird from Diamond's 1973 album and a feature film of the same name.

As many will likely not recall, Jonathan Livingston Seagull (JLS) "tells the story of a young seabird who, after being cast out by his stern flock, goes on an odyssey to discover how to break the limits of his own flying speed."

Diamond's soundtrack about the plucky seabird cast out of his flock for daring to go beyond the barriers of normal sea-gullary was a huge hit for the Brooklyn-born composer. With such religious-leaning hits as Be, Skybird, and Dear Father, the album was appropriated by Catholic churches in the 1980s and used to indoctrinate teens into what was referred to as the Be Program, a weekend replete with the lighting of candles, the spilling of guts, and the belief that we teens did, in fact, matter. 

Anyway, on Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin bestowed a state decoration on JLS - the Russian Order of Friendship, a reward presented to Russian and foreign nationals whose work, deeds, and efforts have been aimed at the betterment of relations with the Russian Federation and its people.

That's weird.  I didn't know birds could claim citizenship. In any event, congratulations on the honor, JLS, and to you, Russia. You've got one hell of a seabird there.

What's that?  The award was actually given to Steven Seagal?

Never mind.  

Giving New Meaning to the Term S*it-faced

 

^{(Marco Goecke, shit-slinger extraordinaire)}

BERLIN (AP)  So reports have just reached my desk that the German ballet director, Marco Goecke, recently bagged up a steaming pile left by his "elderly dachshund" and took said bag to a premiere at the opera house where he confronted dance critic, Wiebke Huester, and asked what in blazes was she doing there.

Without waiting for an answer, Goecke whipped out his sack of shit and smeared it in her face. He was reportedly screaming, "this is compliments of insert dog's name here and a blow struck for all dancers who have been cut off at the knees by your blow-hardery, hurtful critiques."

I may not have that quote exactly, but the spirit of it was definitely there. One cannot smear another's face with feces while simply saying, "I don't like you," now can they?

There was also some mention of Goecke being butt-hurt over Huester's recent critiques, claiming that her review of one of his productions was "responsible for people canceling season tickets in Hannover."

On Tuesday (because he had to enjoy at least get 48 hours of satisfaction), he issued a public apology for his "absolutely unacceptable act”  He went on to add that “In retrospect, I am clearly aware that this was a disgraceful act in the heat of the moment and an overreaction."

Come on, Goecke, don't back down now.  Smearing shit in someone's face is absolutely an overreaction, not to mention reprehensible.  You don't get just to toss off a "Hey, sorry about that. I was off my meds that day and didn't have any coffee" and expect the victim to say, "All good, chap. Oft is the day I've wished for a bag of shit."

Anyway, this reporter feels a story like this can only increase theater attendance.  In my experience, they're always a bit of a shit show.

Hope Springs Eternal

And so it comes to pass that Mackenzie Scott, the billionaire ex-wife of Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, has filed for divorce from her husband of 18 months, Dan Jewett. 

While media outlets have not been informed as to the reasons behind the divorce, this reporter has heard mumblings of "repulsion" on the part of one party with regard to the other party's "gums and teeth."  Comments suggesting that one party "could eat corn through a picket fence" have apparently been bandied about in the back of limos and darkened restaurants. 

Reports have also surfaced that one party, a former science teacher, was known to have held "frat-like" parties in the couples' lavish home and that the "corn-nobbler" would often come home to discover numerous pudgy, shirtless men passed out on floors, couches, and settees in the east wing of the estate, which had been littered with "sports" pennants, "foam fingers," "beer-can-sipping" hats, cargo shorts and white, New Balance running shoes. 

News of the divorce has hit hardest amongst middle-aged, middle-class men who saw Jewett as a conqueror who gave hope to the belief that anyone of us could bag a billionaire divorcee. Alas, hopes and dreams are shattering all across this great land of ours today. 

Mackenzie, call me.

 

Who the F cares?

I'm happy to report that Yahoo News is keeping us abreast of the hard-hitting news of the day.

 

No one gives a s*it about the daughter of a C-list actress who was caught and jailed for being a lying, cheating POS who thought the laws didn't apply to her.

 

Do better, Yahoo.

 

The Management

 

Rise of the Machines

I write this from my desk, back in the office, which blows mightily.

After working from home for two+ years it is utter bullshit that we've been forced to return, albeit only three days per week. But two years is a long time to be away. Lifestyles change, and we discover new and better ways to live our lives. Downtime at home can mean laundry, grocery shopping, dinner preparation, and dozens of other tasks that would normally have to wait until evenings and weekends. So working from home (WFH) has improved our quality of life and now they're saying, "Too bad, so sad. We want you back in the office where we can keep an eye on you." 

The likely truth of the matter is that there is a long-term lease on the office space and they need to justify it to the board of directors. But the reason they give us is that our office culture is better when we can work together and collaborate. The irony is, with everyone WFH on different days, we're never all here to collaborate. Even my own team is only all here two days a week, which frankly is plenty of in-office days. 

Time for a revolution!  Ehh, I'm too tired. This getting up at 5:30 am is killing me. 

Three + Decades

Today is my 31st wedding anniversary. 31 years.

I've spent more years of my life married than not. I've been a good husband and a terrible husband. I've been giving and extremely selfish. Marriage is not easy, and don't let anyone tell you any differently.

People are different. Sometimes we click, sometimes we don't. I don't think we ever fully understand someone.  We fight, sometimes bitterly and loudly. We have resentments and we forgive. How many of us ever truly feel understood? Have all of our needs met? Do we deserve what we have, or do we deserve what we get? 

Happy anniversary to the woman who deserves more than she gets. 

Love Rain O’er Me

When Charles Ross decided to spring for the VIP package at a recent Brass Against concert, at the Welcome to Rockville festival in Daytona Beach, Florida, he didn't have a tinkling of an idea as to what was coming.

The popular three-day music festival held last weekend had apparently begun to run dry until Brass Against took the stage. Lead singer, Sophia Urinsta, seen guzzling two-liter bottles of water backstage before the band's set, decided to give Ross a gush more than he'd bargained for when he purchased the VIP "full-asses" pass. 

Urinsta held her water until the band's final number, a cover of Rage Against the Machine’s “Wake Up," at which point she pulled Ross, sporting a goofy head camera, up on stage, dropped him flat on his back, dropped trou, and proceeded to rain Urista upon him. 

"I guess I know what the P stands for in VIP!" said a wet, smelly, but jovial Ross.  "It was well worth the extra $50 for the VIP package. I'd love to "wake up" that way every morning"

Ross, who at press time was attempting to sell his "PPOV" video on eBay, is already shopping for rubber jumpsuits, before the band's next show at Niagra Falls. 

Mule me, bitches (for KC)

Just purchased. SO excited. 

 

Pauly Shore Makes COVID19 his Bitch

Reports are coming in that actor/comedian and "whatever happened to" candidate, Pauly Shore, is doing a kick-ass job of defending himself and others from the worldwide spread of the Coronavirus.

According to my sources, Shore is working on “developing and implementing plans and measures to better prepare and prevent the entry and spread of COVID-19.”

The Encino Man and Bio-Dome star appears to be something of a godsend, working with the National Emergency Committee and the Ministry of Health, coordinating with numerous hoteliers that had offered their properties as isolation sites for passengers’ 14-day quarantine. Shore is also said to be working to "identify a site for an isolation ward that could accommodate up to 50 patients."

Well, I for one would like to acknowledge Shore's efforts. I admit, I've always considered him something of a C or D list talent, and have likely tossed out such hurtful words as "has been" and "no-talent loser" in the unlikely event that his name ever came up in a discussion. Well, I would like to go on record with my apology to Shore, as well as recant any disparaging remarks I may have made in year' past. 

Hold up...I'm being told it's actually Palau Shores. 

Nevermind.