Hey Joe

Peter, Packers and Pigskin

 

 

So who else went to a kick-ass Super Bowl party yesterday?

KC & Jenny threw their annual gig of Pigskin Pandemonium, which I'll rate as an A- because as awesome a time as it was, we were still shy one meatball midget. Is there a meatball midget in the house?! Sure, we had Kieffer, but he's hardly as cute as the real thing. So while I'm giving the party two-enthusiastic thumbs up, I'm holding that A+ in reserve for the year that Peter Dinklage finally accepts the invite.

MIA dwarfs aside, the shin-dig was tits. I didn't see my kid from the minute we got there until it was time to leave. I actually was able to sit with Lisa, chat with friends, eat, drink and watch the Packers give a packing to Pittsburgh. Once again I was a loser in the money pool, but we did score two bottles in the wine pool, so suck it.

Oh, you may remember that sick broad, Heidi from years past. Somehow she keeps making the invite list. My guess is that it's simply sick curiosity on Jenny's part, wanting to see what Heidi's twisted mind will come up with each year. This little number even had a musical accompaniment in the form of whatever that song was from the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show.

 
Looks like someone's been nibbling on Janet's bedazzled Jibbie.

So there you go. Thank you again to our fantistic hosts, KC and Jenny for another successful party. And I didn't even stay until 10:00, so you got lucky.

Hey Buddy, wanna go to the Pro Bowl?

Listen up and act fast.

January 31 is Pro Bowl 2010.

Would you like:

• two roundtrip tix for two to Miami
• 5 days hotel accommodations
• 2 tickets to the Pro Bowl
• Meet & greet with NFL players
• $500 gift card

?

Yeah? Then pop over to Uptake and enter before midnight on Sunday. Yes, this Sunday.

Go! Scram!!

Brady & Bundchen

So I see Tom Brady just married Brazilian "Super" model, Gisele Bundchen

T'would seem our young Mr. Brady has had quite a run of luck. Let's review:

• Very talented and very successful - regarded as one of the best NFL quarterbacks of all time
• Three-time Super Bowl champion
• Three-time MVP (two in Super Bowls)
• Smart - graduated cum laude
• young (obviously this is relative, but he's younger than I am)
• Good looking (again relative, but I'll play the odds)
• Stinking rich
• banging hot, wealthy underwear model

I think there's been some sort of cosmic mix-up in that whole "doling out of the good luck" thing. 

I also think that with all his cash he could afford to buy his wife the entire dress.

Football, firearms and Dame Edna

So the boy and I went to a KC and Jenny's on Sunday for what I will refer to as (and thus ensuring they plan one for next year) their Annual Super Bowl Party.

Let me say right off that I was disappointed not to be met at the door by the Meatball Midget. After last year's shindig I had high hopes, no pun intended. (Well maybe a little pun. Hey look at that, two puns for the price of one. You just can't put a price on fine humor like this). Anyway…there were no midgets. Now there were plenty of short people there in the form of kids, and Jenny, but none of them had those adorable midget heads and booties.

Lack of midgets aside it was a swell afternoon. The boy vanished shortly after we arrived and I didn't really see him again until I was ready to go, which left me about five hours to stuff my face, guzzle beer and make a jackass out of myself. I think I'm safe in saying that the rest of the guests enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed them, which is to say they hated me. Losers.

(Photo by Jenny)

I kid. They loved me even though I still hated them. (Kidding, but not really)

Anyway…

We were all supposed to bring an appetizer. I brought some traditional Buffalo wings. Great choice right; traditional, tasty. Well check out this one. WTF? What sort of sick, twisted individual brings this sort of atrocity to a family Super Bowl party?

I mean really, mixing sausage with pineapple and cherries? You've gotta be whack. This sh*t must have been invented by the same nutjob who first put pineapple on pizza.

Oh, that explains it….Hi Heidi!! I'm kidding. We all loved it, particularly your "no hands" eating demonstration. Very impressive.

(Photo by Jenny)

At some point, probably six beers deep around the 3^rd quarter, the fuzz showed up. I totally panicked and flushed my stash down the laundry room can only to find out that he's actually a neighbor. F*CK!

I was never officially introduced to the local constable (probably a wise move on KC's part) but he came bearing coffee and kept fidgeting with his weapon. Or was it his gun? Which is for shooting and which is for fun? I can never remember. Regardless, he kept fiddling with it and it made me nervous. But as Brandi said, "It's not a party until the loaded firearms come out." Amen sister.

Of course, broke bastard that I am, I won jackshit in the football pool. Nor did I win shit in the meat pool, the hooker pool or the barnyard animal pool. I did score two bottles in the wine pool though so I didn't leave empty handed. And that's not counting whatever I managed to steal.

Bovine in 2010!

God loves the USA Best of All

In what can only be described as a miracle of God, musician Stevie Wonder doffed his trademark dreadlocks and took time off from his current world tour to win the gold medal in the men's 400m hurdles final at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.

"God was with me throughout the entire race," Wonder told reporters and guide dogs who met him at the finish line. "This medal belongs to God. He won it, I was simply his conduit. Every five seconds I heard Him say 'JUMP STEVIE!' and by God I jumped. If I could hang this medal around God's neck I surely would."

Wonder then took a misstep and fell from the podium, fracturing his fibula and his medulla oblongata, resulting in the cancellation of the remainder of his tour. Refunds may be obtained through Ticketmaster.

I think this kid grew up on my street

"Let me play or I'm going to take my football and go home."

Some people calls ‘em fans, I calls ‘em jackasses. Mm hmm.

So I guess congratulations are once again in order to Tiger Woods.

Yesterday, Woods bested Rocco Mediate in a 19^th hole sudden death at the U.S. Open.

In an unexpected move, Woods gave Rocco a Karl Childers style whack to the head with his Nike Sasquatch, literally bringing the proceedings to a dead halt.

"What? I thought this was sudden death?" Woods said as flies began to light on Mediate's crushed and oozing skull. "F*cking old dude is dead; and suddenly. What's the problem?"

Seeing none, USGA President, Jim Vernon, went ahead with the trophy presentation ceremony.

"This is certainly unprecedented," said Vernon after handing Tiger the 2008 U.S. Open trophy, "but the rules are open to interpretation, and we do love Tiger. He's such a wonderful draw."

Tiger's wife, Elin Nordegren also addressed reporters.

"You've probably all noticed how buffed Tiger's become. He's really been working out. Isn't he HOT? I mean I LOVE it when the real tiger in him comes out like this!" said Nordegren, while squirming in the couple's golf cart.

And so ends another chapter in the fairy tale life of Tiger Woods.

On a side-note, I hate all those jackasses that tag along after the golfers; in their plaid shorts and flip-flops, drinking Coors Light and knocking fists with their frat boy buddies.

Wait, I'll show you.

Oakland A’s: circa 1972

So "the company" received a dozen or so tickets to the A's vs. Yankees game this coming Thursday, and yours truly managed to score two of them.

The seats are in one of those box-type suites; you know those rooms up high behind the glass where they supply you with vittles and drinks served by scantily clad nubiles? Or at least I think they toss around a couple bowls of pretzels or something? Hell I don't know, but the boy and I will find out on Thursday when the A's kick some pinstripe ass.

Having grown up in "Nor-Cal", (I see that everywhere; Nor-Cal. Mostly on the back glass of big, douche bag pick-up trucks. What is that all about? Is that some sort of gang thing; "Yo, yo I claim Nor-Cal, who you claim? Who be your set? Your crew? Your peeps? You best not be sayin' So-Cal or you an me'll be boppin'. Word."

Anyway, having grown up in Northern California, I attended quite a few A's games in my yute. Of noteworthy inclusion would be the World Series games of 72, 73 and 74, when we sat in the bleachers eating hot dogs, peanuts and finger Jell-O.

So, in honor of the boys from Oaktown, I give you a photographic retrospective of the 1972 Oakland A's.

Some of the starting lineup.
Back row L-R: Joe Rudi, Bert "Campy" Campaneris, Sal Bando, Ken Holtzman and Dick Williams
Front row: Reggie Jackson, Catfish Hunter

Sal Bando: Team Captain, third baseman

Joe Rudi – Left field

Jim "Catfish" Hunter - Pitcher

Bert "Campy" Campaneris - Shortstop

Vida Blue - Pitcher

Reggie Jackson – Right field

Gene Tenace – Catcher, First base

Rollie Fingers – Relief pitcher

John "Blue Moon" Odom - Pitcher

Billy North – Centerfield

R.I.Patterson

Floyd Patterson

1935-2006

Former heavyweight boxing champion, Floyd Patterson, died today. He was 71.

Patterson, a gold medal middleweight in the 1952 Olympics, beat Archie Moore for the heavyweight title in 1956. He lost the title to Ingemar Johansson in 1959 only to regain it from Ingemar in a 1960 rematch.

Patterson also fought Sonny Liston and Muhammad Ali, losing both bouts but surviving 12 rounds with Ali.

This just in...

Barry Bonds used steroids. I know, it's unbelievable. In fact it's downright shocking. I'm sorry to break it to you and I hope your faith in the inherent good most humans possess has not been irrevocably shattered. Kidding aside though I have to agree with  Dan Wetzel on this one. If Bond’s doesn’t seriously and credibly defend himself, he should be benched--for good. Don’t give him a chance at Aaron and Ruth’s records. He doesn’t deserve it.