Hey Joe

Another close call

I got out of my car this morning and was half way to the office before I realized that my Bluetooth thingy was still on my ear.

Yes I know "it's the law," but let's be clear; that only applies to the car. There is no law that says you must look like a jackass when outside of your car.

So to all of you folks who insist on wearing your ear bud thingy at all times, even when you're not on the phone (good God); just stop. Please.

And if you're ever wearing one in my presence, while I may not say anything, just know I'm thinking: "What a jackass."

You don't want that, do you?

A Very Short Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago.......
there lived a woman who did not nag or bitch.

But this was a very long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End

Submited by crazy Texan, Forrest "Don't call me Gump" Eleuterius.

Thanks Forrest.

Happy King Kamehameha Day

Party like you ain't wearing pants, but instead a strategically placed toga.

He must have it tucked up in there or something.

And while you're wearing your strategically placed toga, why don't you pop on over to VE's Fantastical Nonsense, where today's post features a moving tribute to someone you all know, and dare I say, love?

Get to popping.

Stupidity part 42 – scratch that; 43

Went to taco bell on Friday

Ate Crunchwrap® but put crunchy beef taco in office fridge for later.

Today went home for lunch. Ate left-over spaghetti

This afternoon, remember taco.

Wasn't hungry, but hated to waste a 39 cent taco

Ate taco

Spent afternoon sitting in own filth

Blogged about it

Tuesday morning conversation with self:

Me: When did I have corn?

Me: Oh, that's right.

Text conversation with Mike

Mike:    What's cracken brudda?

Me:    My ass? What do I win?

Mike:     An all expense paid trip to Go F*ck Yourself.

Me:    GREAT! I can't wait to get there. I'll send you a postcard from my a**hole.

Mike:    Just send a picture. I know you like getting scoped.

So here you go. You know it's hard to take a picture of your own ass with a cell phone.

Looks kind of like an elephant, doesn't it?

“What weighs 4,000 lbs and sings?”

(Second worst attempt at Windows Paint)

Harry Elefonte!! Get it?

 

Yesterday morning's ride to school was certainly a treat. The girl and I were regaled with some darn fine jokes from the boy's "AWESOME GOOD CLEAN JOKES FOR KIDS!!" book.

To wit;

Q:    What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants wearing sunglasses?

A:    Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

HA!

More? OK.

Q:    Why do elephants' tusks stick out?

A:    Because their cheap ass-rather-spend-their-money-on-liquor parents couldn't afford braces!

I know, AWESOME! Not to mention GOOD and CLEAN!

Wait, there are even MORE.

Q:    why did the elephant paint her toenails different colors?

A:    So she could hide in a jellybean bag!

 

You'd pay top dollar for jokes like this in a club, but I'm giving them to you for FREE!

AWESOME GOOD CLEAN JOKES, just one of the many services we offer here at HeyJoe.

 

Q:    What's the difference between an elephant and an orange?

A:    They're different colors!!

 

Come on, do I have to spell 'em all out for you?

 

OK, you'll get this one.

 

Q:    What did one elephant say to the other?

A:    Nothing. Elephants can't talk!

 

I'm dying here, seriously!

 

Q:    How do you get an elephant out of a box of Jell-O?

A:    Follow the directions on the back of the package!

 

Q:    How do you make a statue of an elephant?

A:    Get a stone and carve away everything that doesn't look like an elephant! Jackass.

 

OK, one more, and this is my favorite.

 

Q:    Why can't an elephant ride a bike?

A:    He doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell!

 

Thank you and good night! Don't forget to leave some peanuts for your waitress!!

Time for a little Spring cleaning

So let's check in on the Child Collection Competition, shall we?

On the right we have Madonna who continues her efforts to adopt David Banda which, if successful, will put her at a total of, I believe three kids, but man I can't help but think she adopted another one along the way somewhere.

Anyway.

On the left we have Branjolie who may or may not have given birth to twins, who will or have brought their tally to, I believe six.

Not one to lie down without a fight, reports are circulating that Madonna is furiously shopping for kids, any kids, to add to her growing brood.

So if you've got any lying around that you're willing to part with; running or not, even if they're slightly damaged or you still owe money on them, contact Madonna's people because it's a seller's market and the bitch be willing to deal; in cash.

Open e-mail to spammers

Dear Sir or Madam,

If I promise to buy some of your:

• Discount Viagra
• Penile enlargement pills/equipment/herbs
• Christian singles
• Cheap crap
• Hookers
• Online courses
• Swinging singles
• Old classmates
• Hot p*ssy
• Discount office supplies
• Lonely girls waiting to hear from me

Will you please, please, please stop filling up my inbox with your unsolicited sh*t?

Thank you and God bless,

Joe

Friday Night Haikus

Community pools
Though super for cooling off
Bring out the fatties

Random bigotry

Some of these things bug me; others just make me wonder. Don't judge me. What, like you're perfect?

 

1. How the mentally handicapped seem impervious to cold weather.
2. Non-working women with their ponytails stuck out the back of their DKNY baseball hats, wearing their BEBE workout clothes drinking their f*ucking Starbucks. (I guess this would fall under the "bugs me" category)
3. The Middle East/sandal connection.
4. People who never wear anything but sweats and athletic shoes.
5. Foreigners who operate shopping carts as poorly as they do cars – yes I'm talking about YOU, the jackass with four kids blocking the aisle at Costco
6. Body builder types who wear nothing but shorts no matter what the weather. (See #1 )
7. Any man who wears Uggs.
8. Hip-hop wannabe a**holes. (Thanks Mooog) with their starched white socks/sneakers/baseball caps (turned jauntily sideways) who look like they've been dipped in Oxiclean.
9. The brain functionality of anyone who actually spends hard earned cash for spinners.
10. Street corner sign spinners hawking crap like oil change services, mobile phones or cheap pizza.
11. People who completely stop traffic in order to change lanes
12. Notorious urinal farters

Feel free to add your own.