Can you believe it, another column deadline? I don’t know how Tony Hicks does it.
First off, I would like to take a moment to say thank you to all the people who emailed me or stopped me in Safeway to say how much they appreciated my last column. Though the subject matter was tragic most of you seemed thankful for the reminder that reaching out can very well make a difference. We’re all in this thing together and I’m grateful for your comments.
And speaking of Safeway. why is it that I can’t get in or out of there these days without being harassed by some yahoo with a clipboard wanting to know if I’m a registered voter?
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News out of Texas is that Houston State Senator John Whitmire is hoping to abolish the death penalty.
Just kidding! In Texas? Are you insane? That's considered good, wholesome family entertainment in the Lone Star State. No, actually he's looking to abolish the last meal of the soon-to-be-offed.
And why you ask?
Because greedy bastard, Lawrence Brewer - finally snuffed last night for the 1998 dragging death of James Byrd in Jasper, TX - went a little overboard with his last meal request, which may I add, he didn't even EAT.
Two chicken fried steaks smothered in gravy with sliced onions; a triple meat bacon cheeseburger with fixings on the side; a cheese omelet with ground beef, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers and jalapenos; a large bowl of fried okra with ketchup; one pound of barbecue with half a loaf of white bread; three fajitas with fixings; a meat lovers pizza; three root beers; one pint of Blue Bell vanilla ice cream; and a slab of peanut butter fudge with crushed peanuts.
Really, why go healthy and order the wheat bread at this stage in the game?
"Enough is enough," Whitmire wrote to the Texas Criminal Justice Division. "I am asking you to end this practice immediately or I am prepared to do so by statute next session."
Way to ruin it for everybody else, Brewer, you selfish douchebag.
How many of you remember this show? If you do you're old. I must be old. That being said, while I remember the show, I don't remember actually watching it. What does that mean? I must have Alzheimer's.
A couple of things to note: I believe the opening shot is the same "police academy" shot used in one of the old Charlie's Angels intros. And speaking of C.A., check out a young Kate Jackson in this clip. And finally, a question: the ending "freeze frame" shows all three, rookies "in pursuit." In order for all three of them to have been there it means that one of them had to have been riding in the back seat of the police car. When have you ever seen a third cop riding bitch in the back seat? Imagine the arguments that must have ensued:
"Shotgun!! Willie has to ride bitch!"
"Bullshit. I rode bitch last time."
"Too bad, I called it."
"I want to drive."
"Tough shit, I've got the keys. You two need to need to Row Sham Bow for bitch."
I recently read an interview with Brad Pitt where he spoke briefly about all of his movies, beginning with his first big break in Thelma and Louise, all the way up to Moneyball.
I was disappointed when the interviewer brought up Meet Joe Black that he didn't mention the hilarious scene where Brad gets whacked by not one, but two cars. I saw this movie on an airplane and I think I was the only one that went into hysterical fits of laughter at this scene; laughter that continued to bubble up periodically for the remainder of my flight. I don't know why it struck me so funny. Well sure I do, because it's hilarious.
I write a humor column for our local rag. I write this blog that I like to think has a humorous slant to it. And I've got a thirteen year old son who's forever doing goofy crap.
For example, this morning I found him in the bathroom with a plastic syringe sucking water out of the toilet, then emptying it in a cup. When the cup was full he'd dump it down the sink and refill it with toilet water.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I wanted to see what the toilet would look like without any water."
"So you're using that little plastic syringe? Why didn't you just turn off the water to the toilet and flush it until the tank is empty?"
"Yeah, I didn't think of that."
"I can't believe that it's a school morning, we're already running late and this is what you feel requires your attention. Do you have your lunch? Your homework? Your backpack packed and ready?"
What else could I do? I turned off the water to the toilet and began flushing. Somehow or another it didn't work. Once the tank was empty there was still water in the bowl and no way to get it out. The boy held up the syringe, smiling and nodding his head.
So what's the quandary?
Ever since I wrote a column many years ago about my then five-year-old son and how he said "It feels good to poop," he's forbidden me to write about him.
News on the sparkly shirt front is that singer/songwriter/70-year old, Neil Diamond, has announced his engagement to one manager/filmmaker/40-year old, Katie McNeil. NEIL Diamond. Katie McNEIL. How cute.
Neil may no longer be young but who cares, neither is Neil Young. We only hope he's still young at heart or Katie may kill him.
In other related Neil Diamond news, I did a KICK-ASS karaoke take on Sweet Caroline last Saturday. Seriously, I killed.
This just in: Neil Young has officially changed his name to Neil Not-So-Young.