The local paper did not feel that the following piece was appropriate for their readers. I'm seriously curious to hear what you think about it. Would you be offended if this piece appeared in your paper? I kind of figured that colonoscopies were a pretty common topic in this day and age, and that most people would not be put off by the subject, but maybe I'm wrong. I'm not publishing this to rail on newspapers or editors, I'm genuinely interested to know if I'm off the mark. Please let me know your thoughts.
Is that a 40-foot tube in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?
One of the positives about aging, besides no longer caring how you look when you dance, is that you get to experience all sorts of fun procedures in the name of “preventative care.” Most doctors recommend that everyone, upon turning 50, should submit to a lovely little procedure known as the colonoscopy.
“But Joe, you’re far too hale and hearty. Surely you can’t be 50 yet. Why are you getting a procedure you shouldn’t need for many years to come?”
Because, astute reader, having been diagnosed with colitis at the tender age of 35, my gastrointestinal professional, thought that it would be a good idea to “go in and take a look, just to see what we’re dealing with.”
I’ll tell you what you’re dealing with Doc, a guy who has no interest in having a tubular camera shoved up his backside.
That was six years ago.
Shortly after that visit I switched jobs and medical providers, so the good Dr. was likely left in a state of profound disappointment for not getting the chance to defile me under the guise of medical science.
However, the old saying, “he who laughs last laughs best” came back to bite me on my colonoscopy entry zone, because this January we switched BACK to our old medical provider, and who should I find myself face to face with before the groundhog even thought about looking for his shadow, was my old friend the GI professional.
“According to your records, the last time I saw you we were discussing a colonoscopy.”
“Umm, I don’t recall that. And frankly the colitis is fine, hasn’t really bothered me in years.”
“Yes, well I think it would be a good idea to at least go in and take one look since it’s been over ten years since your colitis diagnosis.”
Damn you Katy Couric for caring enough to bring the importance of early colorectal cancer screening to the forefront of the American consciousness!
So, anyway, trapped as I was, I dutifully made the appointment for my procedure, however I made one thing very clear before I agreed to move forward: I wanted to be knocked OUT. None of this “relaxed” or “drowsy” baloney – I wanted to be comatose, even If it meant clunking me on the head with ball pein hammer, I wanted no part of the process other than as a colon donor. The doctor agreed, gave me my 4-liter bottle Colon Blow and sent me on my way.
Flash forward four weeks to the day before my procedure. I’m grumpy as all get out. I’m not a good patient under the best of circumstances, but deny me food for 24-hours, and the anticipation of medical violation, and I become downright pissy.
I began the process of downing 8 oz. glasses of CoLyte. I think Dave Barry send it best when he described this stuff as a cross between “goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.” It’s mostly water, but the mixture gives it a thin, gelatinous texture, which is really disgusting. Nevertheless, the stuff works. I feared I was going to have to tell the Dr. that if he REALLY wanted to exam my colon he’d have to search the Contra Costa County sewer system because I was pretty sure that’s where it was going to end up. I did not feel it was “safe” to go to bed until about 2 AM.
Those of you who are still looking forward to your own colonoscopy will be happy to know that the prep portion of the procedure is by far the worst part of the whole ordeal. The “oscopy” itself is a breeze, at least from a patient stand point. The Dr. may feel differently, but then that’s why they make the big bucks. The anesthesiologist knocked me cold and the last thing I remember before waking up in the recovery room was making a sarcastic comment to my Dr, something about how it would have been nice if he’d at least shaved before our encounter.
Having broken the Cardinal rule of colonoscopies - never make fun of the guy with the 40-foot tube in his hand – I’m still waiting for the YouTube video to appear.
ha ha ha ha ha I love it Joe, and I can relate. However, many many people are made very uncomfortable by anything having to do with even euphemisms for rectum, anus and anything entering said orifices. I wouldn't in the least be offended to see it in my local paper, but I'd be kind of surprised. But my guess is that if your name WERE Dave Barry you'd get away with it.
Posted by: Pambasilea | June 13, 2011 at 05:47 PM
Yeah, maybe Pamba. Thanks.
Posted by: heyjoe | June 13, 2011 at 08:35 PM
Funny. But then I mix Metamucil with my coffee for fun.
Posted by: Ed | June 13, 2011 at 10:00 PM
It is a bit raunchy for a local paper. So while I enjoyed it, I have to say something like this is not about to make it in Clayton anytime soon. Maybe if the town in question was less conservative and more urban; somewhere like Dublin or San Mateo...
Posted by: Social_Expectations_Challenger | June 13, 2011 at 10:51 PM
I'm not in the least shocked by this article (the thought of the procedure, yes, but not the article), but maybe us Europeans are less prudish? I don't know. I don't actually know if my "local" paper would print this kind of thing as a) I rarely read it and b) when I have, I haven't noticed any funny, satirical or even mildly amusing articles at all (which is one of the reasons I don't read it). It made me smile, though, and kind of grimace too...
Posted by: Kirsty | June 14, 2011 at 03:43 AM
I always enjoy your sense of humor, Joe, but perhaps you touched on a few "sore" subjects. To me it's more like Saturday Night Live material. Perhaps if the article told how you nipped colon cancer in the "bum" it would be more like "Perky Katie Couric" style. At any rate, it's the reader's loss. At the state the world is in right now, we should crave any news article we can laught at. Jude
Posted by: heyjoe | June 14, 2011 at 02:23 PM
Thanks all, for your feedback. Maybe I am off the mark.
Posted by: heyjoe | June 14, 2011 at 05:59 PM
This is interesting, from a sociological perspective (whatever that means). Really, if you were Dave Barry or someone else nationally known and widely established a cantankerous humorist, I do think it would be acceptable, which makes me think it might be more about the authority that celebrity brings. Would people feel less uncomfortable if this piece were written by a famous columnist known for irreverence and graphic detail? Maybe. I wonder, also, if your local paper would have accepted it had a plug (no pun intended) about the wisdom of getting a colonoscopy. All this to say that I don't think it's you, Joe, except that you're not famous yet.
Posted by: Pambasilea | June 15, 2011 at 11:50 AM