Hey Joe

The Bunny Ranch of barbershops

So the boy started Jr. High today. In an effort to clean him up a bit, I took him to Sport Clips yesterday for an MVP haircut. The MVP includes:

• Precision Haircut – Consultation and precision cut by a Guy-Smart Stylist (Guy-Smart? Is that some sort of oxymoron joke or what? Jerks.)
• Massaging Shampoo – Relaxing shampoo with invigorating scalp massage (I love me a scalp massage)
• Steamed Towel – Sterilized Steamed Towel and time to kick back (Not sure how much the boy enjoyed the hot towel treatment, but he did his best to kick back under the scalding towel)
• Leave-in Conditioner
• Neck and Shoulder Massage (kind of a tease as they use a hand-held device. There must be some law about not touching the client. Probably some law about taking your pants off also.)

   

Anyway, he seemed to enjoy the attention, albeit awkwardly, but it kind of felt a bit like taking him to his first whorehouse. She also shorted him a couple of minutes on the 5-minute neck and shoulder massage. Guess I need to have a talk with the Madame.

So yes, today was his first day of Jr. High. At this moment he's still in school, and I'm anxiously awaiting word as to how it went. Admittedly he was a little nervous last night and this morning, but when we walked on campus and he saw his buddy Jason he gave me a wave and left me standing there. I hung around for a few minutes but my God the noise! Hundreds of 12-14 year olds standing around talking and yelling at once; well I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Speaking of school, Lisa began class today as well. Summer has officially ended. September can suck it.

My life is grist

The boy will be entering middle-school this Monday. In my day it was Junior High, now it's middle-school, but whatever. Not only is he entering middle-school, but he's also switching from the private school he's attended since kindergarten to the local public school. I will not go into all the reasons we chose to switch him to public school, but will simply say that we did not feel the private school /boy fit was working and a change was needed.

Anyway, yesterday the boy tells me that he's received several e-mails from what I guess we'll now call "former" classmates, asking him why he was switching schools. One girl in particular continued to pester him and then divulged that the class rumor is that one of his parents had lost their job and therefore can no longer afford private school. While the boy is aware that I will soon be out of work, I assured him that money is not the reason we pulled him – that if we felt he was really doing well there we'd do whatever we needed to do to keep him there. He seemed to understand.

Now I understand the rumor mill, but for his classmates to be talking/e-mailing that "boy can't come here anymore because his mom or dad lost their job," means the parents of kids in his class have told their children, "Boy's dad is losing his job so they probably can't afford Expensive School," or words to that effect.

How messed up is that? Now it's possible the boy mentioned to some classmates over the summer that I was losing my job, but we didn't make the decision not to go to Chicago (and therefore accept the lay-off) until after school was out. I have not made it a secret about my upcoming lay-off because I've been networking my ass off, so I'm sure there are many parents who are aware of it. But to speculate to their children that my son is leaving the school because we can't afford it is pretty messed up. And kids would not likely make the financial connection between a job loss and private school on their own, which tells me that some parents have told their children he's leaving because we can't afford it.

I understand that those types of discussions take place. Everyone speculates about what might be going on in their neighbor's households. But those are adult discussions, and not something to share with your children. Too many parents treat their kids like adults, sharing too much information, and involving them in too many discussions and decisions. Call me old fashioned, but I think there are still some conversations in which children should not be involved, and certain things they don't need to know.

Joe, you're old-fashioned.

There, I beat you too it. Losers.

I didn't mean that. I love you guys, sort of, well at least until I finish.

God, did I miss the line somewhere back there?

R.I.P. Ted Kennedy

Edward "Ted" Kennedy

1932 – 2009

The Lion roars no more.

Last night, the last of the Kennedy brothers passed away after a year-long battle with brain cancer, leaving Jean Kennedy Smith as the only living child of Joseph and Rose Kennedy, the closest thing to a royal family America has known.

Dogged by the family curse, Kennedy never realized his dream of becoming president, but his 77 years allowed him ample time to make his mark, both in Congress and this world. He was far from perfect, but he never stopped trying.

A few from the freezer

My apologies internet for not keeping up with the corpse count, but then your checks have been bouncing so I guess we're even.

So, who do we have here in the old walk-in…let's see. Oh, well there's Larry Knechtel – session musician and one of the Bread pussies.

Larry Knechtel

1940 - 2009

I know, I've never heard of him either, but he was big, played with everyone from The Doors and The Byrds, to Simon & Garfunkel and Elvis – both Presley and Costello. A few notables on which he participated would be the piano on Bridge over Troubled Water and bass guitar on the Byrd's version of Mr. Tambourine Man, infinitely superior to Bob Dylan's because, well Bob can't sing. Oh sit down, I recognize his abilities, but he sounds like a f*cking frog.

Anyway, Knechtel died of a heart attack on August 20.

Don Hewitt

1922 - 2009

Then we have television news producer Don Hewitt of 60 Minutes fame, in that he created it. He did other stuff too, like direct the first ever televised presidential debate, the one between Nixon and Kennedy, and a bunch of other junk for CBS News.

He succumbed to the pancreatic cancer on August 19.

Who else, who else? Well I guess we should mention Ryan Jenkins and Jasmine Fiore, though I could hardly give two-shits.

 

Jasmine Fiore                                            Ryan Jenkins

1981 – 2009                                               1977 - 2009    

Well that's not entirely true, I can't say that I don't care about her, being the victim and all. But WTF is up with her face? Swimsuit model? She must have had a killer body because that face is just wrong. And him? F*ck him, mutilating that poor girl like he did. Plus he was lame enough to appear on Megan Wants a Millionaire. Loser. Now, dead loser and good riddance.

I guess we'll leave it at that. There was the Bulgarian Prime Minister, and the former bassist for Magic Dirt, but really, do we need to go into all of that?

I’ve got “The Look”

My recent Facebook…blurb, was a link to the following NY Times article.

Finally, after years of fruitless effort on my part to convince Hollywood and the media about "the new look," the Johnny-come-latelies at the NY Times wake up to smell the coffee; and the cheeseburgers, and bacon, and pizza and beer. I'm finally part of the "in-crowd."

The problem is, now that the world has discovered and embraced my look, in order to remain "cutting edge" I'll be forced to adopt a new look - one that requires even less work on my part of course; something that involves not shaving or getting haircuts, although what with the upcoming lay-off I've already begun to incorporate those rituals into my appearance.

Get ready ladies, "The Look" for Fall 2009 is gonna be HOT.

Contrary to the nasty rumors…

(Tough Italians)

I do have friends, and recently enjoyed the hell out of them at Shaw's Crab House in Chicago.

As promised, during my week in Chicago I met up with Mary, Marc , and Fran for drinks, drinks, drinks and dinner. Marc made me tell the dumbass story, Franny made a couple of new friends, and I dropped nearly a C-note for the privilege. And it was worth every penny.

The three of them seemed to hit it off very well, regaling each other with tales of travel and excess in Greece. Never having been, I occupied myself by guzzling more than my fair share of the wine and tracing barnyard animals in the sweat on Marc's forehead. Or was it my own forehead? You could show a drive-in movie on either one.

(NOT so tough Italians – in fact rather twee looking)

(Mary & Marc)


(Fran and Mary – chicks - always on the phone)

After dinner, Marc and Mary vamoosed, something about an early morning engament involving exercise and sweating. Fran, apparently not having had enough to drink yet (the intervention is in the works) dragged me through the streets in search of The Gage, where at some point in her distant past she partook of a particular drink, the contents of which I no longer recall, and was crushed when our bartender informed her that they no longer make it, and anyone who may have worked there during the time they did has either moved on, died, or gone missing under strange and suspicious circumstances. She carried on a long discussion with the very paitent bartender and opted instead for some drink with ginger in it. Can you imagine? I know, but she was buying my drink so I smiled, and paitently nodded my head all the while guzzling my vokda rocks.

Before or after said drinks we meandered around Millinum Park with an assortment of drug-addled teens, large and sturdy midwesterners, and probable purse snatchers, where Fran took the below photographic evidence of our sojurn. It was a fabulous evening and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing my old friends. The time passed much too quickly, and before I knew it I was surrounded by drunken Cubs fans on the train back to Lombard.

(fountain with weird Asian guy's face)


(cool fountain)

(Close encounters of the egg kind)


(Making friends with my inner-egg)

On life, death and Dr. Pepper

I'm sorry but I've been busy, and I'm not sleeping well, and the currently fruitless job search is starting to weigh on me. However I realize this does not absolve me of my responsibilities here at Hey Joe, so allow me to do a quick catch up of some recent occurrences of which I know you have great interest.

In the good riddance category we have Jason Getsy and John Richard Marek, executed on August 18 and 19 respectively.

Getsy's last meal, of which he ate very little, consisted of rib-eye steak, barbecued buffalo wings and onion rings. Marek, in addition to ordering a Dr. Pepper, which, according to Sonia appears to be the condemned man's drink of choice, consumed a BLT on wheat with mayonnaise, onion rings AND French fries, (the condemned care so little for about their fat intake) blueberries and strawberries with whipped cream.

And with that, it's lunch time. Ciao.

R.I.P. – Les Paul

Les Paul

1915 – 2009

 

Solid-body guitar inventor/pioneer, Lester Polfuss, known to the world as Les Paul, died today of pneumonia at the age of 94.

Paul was instrumental in the invention of the first solid body electric guitars, which has been a staple in every rock band since the 1950's. Everyone from Chuck Berry and Jimi Hendrix to Billie Joe Armstrong (Green Day) and The Edge (U2) use, or have used Les Paul guitars during their careers.

And yes, I know he was Godfather to Steve Miller.

Like I can afford to flush 75 cents down the crapper?

So here's a little something that pisses me off.

I'm suffering through my usual mid-afternoon burnout, in need of a little caffeination jolt. So I find a soda machine in the upstairs office, insert my dough, make my selection and just as I push the button I notice the small print reading Caffeine Free.

Son of a bitch. Who drinks this stuff and why?

So I'm heading downtown tonight to meet up with Pambalisa, Marc and Mary at Shaw's. I have not seen Marc and Mary since probably 2003, and Pambalisa? I'm not even sure, probably 1995 or 96? either way a long time; too long. I'm really looking forward to it. Hope Pamba remembers her camera.

Joe’s Tuesday – because I know you care

I probably looked like a complete jackass taking a picture of my breakfast. God blogs are so stupid.

That being said, it was quite tasty, and more so because it was free. Thank you Embassy Suites. You certainly do rock the breakfast bar like nobody's bizness.

So I totally overslept this morning. I'd put in for a 6:30 wake-up call (more time than I need but I tend to move slowly in the morning) and woke up for whatever reason to discover that it was nearly 8:00 AM. D'oh. Somehow I still managed to shower, shave, have breakfast and arrive across the street at the office by 8:30…ish.

Which reminds me. The ES is directly across a busy six-lane road from the office. When I arrived on Sunday night I did not see any cross-walks or anything and had been warned about the busy road by co-workers. So Monday morning I ask the front desk chick (who, incidentally, was wearing a "trainee" badge- CUSTOMER SERVICE FAIL) what is the best/safest way to cross the road and is there a cross-walk somewhere? "No," she says, "but we can drive you over there." Drive me across the street? OK, fine if there's no safe way to cross what choice do I have? So 15-minutes later the ES shuttle gal shows up and I hop in and she seems kind of confused when I tell her I just need to go across the street but she doesn't say anything, and so we're waiting at a red light to exit the parking lot and I point straight across the road and say "That's the office." And then I see the WALK/DON'T WALK sign on the pole on the corner right next to our van. "Um, yea the gal at the desk told me there wasn't a cross-walk and so um, she said ya'll could drive me across, and well I guess that wasn't really necessary was it?" Shuttle-girl was cool though, "Hey, they pay me to drive the shuttle so that's what I do you dumb son of a bitch." So yeah, the first jackass move of the day. Sorry, second jackass move. I forgot about the breakfast photo.

Anyhoo, I think I did less in the office today than I did yesterday. Mine is one of those jobs with very busy times and very slow times. Today was very slow. I think replacement is wondering what the hell I really do. I wonder myself sometimes.

So, after my incredibly busy day I then had to have dinner with my boss, so basically I was working overtime. Actually, he's a decent guy. And he paid. And I had grilled shrimp and some sort of twee-ish martini with orange something or other in it. And then I came back and swam a few laps in a completely empty pool and soaked in a completely empty hot tub. And now I'm going to go lay down on my completely empty king-sized bed and read some Raymond Carver, and if I'm still awake by 10:30 maybe I'll watch last Sunday's episode of True Blood, which I missed because I was here, and didn't know what time it was on, and oh none of your damn business you nosy bastards.