Hey Joe

May 2009 - you sucked ASS

So I already mentioned all the other shit that hit the fan this month.

Wednesday I'm called into a meeting (along with 95% of the rest of my office) and informed not only that my job will be moving to Lombard, Illinois, but that I only have until June 15 to decide if I will follow it.

If anyone out there has any good corporate communication/PR job leads, send 'em along. Consider it your contribution to the "Keep Joe in Cali" cause.

My mother will thank you.

Son of a bitch.

OH, and guess what just got delivered today - a brand, spankin' new washer & dryer! Ain't that a gas?!

Live-outdoor blogging

So I'm sitting outside, in the sunshine (ok, under a tent thingy) at the Sandy something or other soccer fields in Davis, CA with a laptop and an aircard, waiting for our 4:30 game in the annual Davis Cup Memorial Day soccer tournament.

I've never blogged al fresco before. It's rather invigorating, and quite refreshing as well. All I need is a nice tall cocktail. Where IS that cocktail waitress? These Davis fields are such dives. I guess I'm stuck with water and diet coke.

So we lost the first game; 4-2, but the boys played hard and looked good. Hopefully the next team will suck a little more than the first. either way, it's a beautiful day out here. Our first game was at noon and we have about 3.5 hours to kill between games. A group of us found a local Applebees and grabbed some lunch. We're now back at the fields waiting for game #2. We'll be back tomorrow for games 3 and 4. If we do really well, we'll be back MONDAY morning for a fifth game.

Is it wrong that I hope we don't do that well?

We are experiencing technical difficulties; please stand by

So far this month we have experienced the following:

• Clothes dryer crapped out; no heat
• Washing machine in the process of crapping out – intermittent agitation (on the part of the washer; significant agitation on our part)
• Toaster oven – door broke; replaced Wednesday
• Water cooler crapped out – replaced last weekend
• Chevy Astro van – A/C crapped out – required new vacuum hose and serpentine belt – replaced last Friday
• Iron crapped out Wednesday night – replaced yesterday
• Boss got laid off yesterday – replaced today…with me

So yea I'm a tad peeved about it all. Did we inadvertently piss in the Appliance God's corn flakes? WTF? And why don't they build shit to last? I'll tell you why, so as to stimulate the economy by making us go out and buy new shit.

Stimulate this. (Please?)

Anyway, here's a pic of the new toaster oven. Ain't she a beaut, and with "convection technology" no less. $50 worth of technology to cook a $5 box of fish sticks. Money well spent. But then there's also that whole "toast" thing.

Seems every time we replace one of these, the new version is a monster in comparison. I remember thinking our old one was a beast when we first purchased it, which prompted me to write this.

So on this upcoming Memorial Day weekend we will need to find some time on Saturday or Sunday, between the four soccer games we have in Davis, to go to Sears and purchase a new washer/dryer.

In the meantime, please excuse our dirty, wrinkled appearance. Actually, given the current state of affairs on the work front you man not actually see me for a spell.

Have a good holiday weekend.

Shopping by mail

One of the great things about comic books was the ability to buy crap by mail.

We had no "internet" from which to purchase our useless trinkets. We had to get mom to write a check or purchase a money order, and then mail it with an order form to some place in Newark, NJ, or Grand Rapids, MI. Then we had to wait, and wait, and wait. Weeks would pass, and every day we'd come home from school and check the mailbox, finding only bills for mom and dad. Finally, one day there would be a lovely, brown paper package with our name on it. Oh the joy of receiving a package in the mail. And we'd rip it open only to experience the inevitable disappointment that comes from shopping by mail. Oh, but the anticipation of waiting for that package. It will never be equaled.

There was so much stuff on which one could spend their hard-earned allowance. "An Atlas Boy in 7 Days." Who wouldn't want Charles Atlas himself to teach his famous method of "Dynamic Tension" to give you "big, useful muscles?" All for free in his 32-page book.

How about, instead of wasting time sitting on your ass watching American Idol, you use some of that "at home - spare time" to earn yourself the "Badge of the Future – Conservation. Don't be chained to a desk, store counter or factory machine. Enjoy an outdoor life with extra rewards of hard muscles, bronzed skin, vibrant good health. Sleep under pines! Catch your breakfast from icy streams! Feel like a million and look like it! Step-by-step home study program gives you valuable 'know how' about this exciting outdoor life. Send for free Conservation Career Kit." Today's conservationist – tomorrow's homeless.

Then we have the Ed Sale Guitar Co. Let Ed Sales "amazing Secret System" teach you to "Play Guitar in 7 Days." You'll receive a "66-page instruction book, 52 photos, 87 chord and finger placing charts, 110 songs, chord finder, 'Special Guitarist's Book of Knowledge' and extra special wallet-size tuning device for tuning any guitar by ear. Total value - $9.00 Now all for only $4.98!" Endorsed by Eddie VanHalen.

Are you a pussy? Then "Learn terrific new defense and BE UNBEATABLE! Never again be humiliated, afraid. Fear lessly (sic) defend yourself against any and all attackers. Defeat brawlers, karate judo experts, even trained boxers! Black Belt, Vern Schroeter has invented powerful, easy to learn, unbeatable self defense system."

You could have your "Poems set to music." Or get "One million cash FREE (exact reproductions of old 1840 US Gold Banknotes),"

All this and much, much more, all for the cost of a stamp.

What a difference twenty-nine years make

The boy recently purchased himself a new Nintendo DSi. He traded in his old DS, along with some games, and covered the rest in cash. I was quite proud that he was able to pay for it all on his own.

Anyway, below are few shots of the DSi with The Incredibles® game. It is pretty incredible what they've done with these things. In addition to playing games it's also a camera with which you can have all sorts of fun altering and editing the pictures. It has internet capabilities, touch technology, and I'm sure a bunch of other stuff that neither one of us knows about because really, who can be bothered with directions and instruction booklets?

In contrast to the DSi, below you will see two Mattel Electronics hand-held games that I had in my youth. The one on the left is basketball and the other is football. The "players" consist of little red blips on the screen. I received these probably in 1979 or 1980 and they were quite the upgrade from the Telstar Pong game I'd received for my birthday a year or two before.

Amazingly, both games are in perfect condition, work great, and believe it or not, the boy has gotten quite a kick out of playing them, so in your face DSi! I wonder what I could get for these on Ebay?

Man I wish I still had my Atari 2600. He'd probably soil himself with excitement (and I just realzied how close that is to excrement. How fitting).

Who the hell are Jon and Kate Gosselin?

And why do so many people care about them?

A little manly reading

"The Essential Guide for the Modern Man – the Man's Book"

Because I'm super bad ass, I won this book, compliments of Whit Honea and DadCentric. It's chock-full of advice and answers to the sorts of questions men need to know; mixing the perfect martini, carving a turkey, starting a fire with a soda can. Not sure what whiskey to order for that nightcap? Read the Man's Book. Wondering about the "anatomy of a good suit?" Read the Man's Book. Don't know the difference between a butterfly knot and a sheepshank? Ask a boy scout Read the Man's Book.

Over the course of the next several years, I'll be highlighting different manly topics in an effort to educate the less than manly among us. I've said it before but it bears repeating; I'm a giver.

Upon first opening the book at random, I came to the page titled Best Man, as in the best man at a wedding. Who knew there was so much to know about choosing the Best Man? A man knew that's who. Some things to consider when choosing a best man:

• Apart from the wedding couple, he plays the most significant role in the ceremony
• Ideally the best man should be a bachelor
• Being the preeminent bachelor, he has the attention of all the single women present (and is therefore likely to get laid)
• It is worth considering how good a public speaker he is, as the best man's speech is the most memorable part of his performance.
• The best man must lead and organize the groomsmen, being chief among them. Apart from seating guests, during the reception they should make introductions and look after any lone or lonely female guests.

Duties of the Best Man

1. Organize and lead the bachelor party*
2. Ensure the groom wakes up on time and is perfectly dressed
3. Make sure he has packed his luggage for going away (so far it appears my mother was my best man)
4. Have lunch with the groom and drive him to the wedding on time
5. Organize the buttonhole flowers (no that's not butthole flowers loser, though I'm curious what those would smell look like) to be available at the front of the church
6. Wait with the groom at the front of the church until the bride arrives
7. Stand beside the groom to his right near the alter after she arrives
8. Having safely looked after the wedding rings, offer them when needed
9. Look after any church, choir or photography administration on the day
10. Prepare and give the best man's speech
11. Announce the speeches and the cutting of the cake at the reception
12. Send off the new couple when they leave the reception.

Is it just me or does a Best Man sound a lot like a frat boy? In any event, good Lord but that's quite a laundry list of duties. Aside from the speech I think all my best man did was get drunk. Personally I've never been a best man, and quite clearly I'm not up to the task. If there's ever an opportunity to be the mediocre man, then I'm your man.

*Of note regarding the bachelor party. It is indicated that the best man "must protect the groom from excessive humiliation, drunkenness and harm." And here I always thought the best man was supposed to promote those things. It's a damn good thing I won this book.

Clayton, CA – The place for Art, Wine and Grub

So there's a new post up at UpTake about the recent Art & Wine Festival in downtown Clayton.

Go check it out, and leave comments. NICE comments.

I thank you.

Do a little dance

Well it's Monday. Yea. Damn it I'm so ready to retire.

So as I teased you with on Friday, I was a chaperone at the 8^th grade dance Friday night. Man I'm glad I'm not a 13-year old dork any longer. Being a 43-year old dork is worlds better. Watching these poor young men, some of them a good 12" taller than me, skulking around the hall looking uncomfortable in their shirts and ties, looking awkward because they're 13, and at a dance, and having to comport themselves around girls; well after seeing this one poor, bowl-cut lad make what had to have been his 20^th pass around the room, I just wanted to take him aside, throw a fatherly big brotherly arm around his shoulder and assure him that it does get better. It may take a few years but it will happen.

So the first thing I discovered upon arriving at the school Friday night was that all the other chaperones were nicely dressed; slacks, button down shirts, dress shoes. Me? cargo shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Fortunately I wore sneakers and not flip-flops, but man did I feel like an ass. Did anyone tell me to dress up? No. Should I have maybe anticipated it? F*ck you.

In order to hide my shame, I spent the first hour or so in the kitchen, doling out soda and water to thirsty pubescents, but that soon grew boring and I left the safety of my counter and ventured out amongst the thronging horde of screaming, bouncing hormones. I was frightened.

I spent some time just sort of being a floater. We were instructed that once the dance begins, no one is to go in or out, so I hung around the doors, mostly talking to other chaperones before the "teacher in charge" put me on "dark corner" duty. Yes, this is what it sounds like. Because of the way the big sliding/folding divider wall is situated, it created a few dark pockets, just large enough to cloak a couple of over-charged youngin's looking to play doctor. So I posted myself in front of this Chasm of Immortality in order to shield young souls from the lure of Satan, and his desire to agitate their naughty bits.

The kids were under strict orders to leave a good 6" of space between them; boy's hands do not move from girl's hips, girls hands do not move from boy's shoulders. It was so darn cute to watch them dance in their awkward, robotic way.

All in all it was quite different from what I remember from my junior high dances, which is nothing because I never went, being a big chickenshit when it came to the ladies. GOD I was pathetic. Idiot! Nevertheless, I do recall some marching band dances (I'm not making myself sound any cooler I realize) where we would slow dance so close that we could have held a quarter between our bodies. I was still afraid, but Tina would not take no for an answer. I became a man in Mr. A's backyard that hot night in 1977.

And here's something else I know. I'm so not ready for my daughter to be in 8^th grade next year.

Happy Mother's Day

To all you mutha's.

 
(Taken at Long's with my cell phone. Sorry about the lard-ass)