Hey Joe

Lake Tahoe’s North Shore – Come for the snow, stay for the pizza.

First of all, new post over at UpTake. Go check it out.

Since my editor, Whit Honea opted not to post all the photos I submitted, I thought I'd post a few more here for what will no doubt be your enjoyment. All photos were taken by Lisa.

Our compound

The boy snow surfing

The frozen Truckee River

God I look cool.

OK, not so much.

 

Hauling a snowball.

 

Busted snowball

The girl going all Maverick.

Testing the ice

Eat snow

Body sledding
 

I was going to post a picture of some jackass I saw at Mt. Rose wearing pajama pants when the girl saw this picture and said "Dad, you're wearing pajama pants." Nice.

See, Lisa WAS there. I guess I took this shot.

 

We refer to this place as the " Cape Cod house." It's somewhere between Carnelian Bay and King's Beach on Hwy 89. The round window and wrap-around porch remind us of a house you'd see at the Cape, and when we win the lottery one day we plan to hand the current owners a check and kick them to the curb
 

Read at Joe’s

Recently I wrote about my annoyance with sign-spinners, and to a lesser degree my distaste for Little Caesars pizza.

Since then I've noticed something of a competition amongst the local sign spinning faction. On the one corner there's still a little Caesars ass (although I have to admit that there's this one guy who's pretty damn impressive with his giant arrow sign; spinning it on top of his head, on his back, tossing it in the air. One of these days he's going to put it right through someone's windshield.  I can't wait!).  

Half a block away is a new doofus sporting a poncho and a sombrero advertising for the Cinco dey Mayo Mexican restaurant, and on the opposite corner across the intersection is another new guy jiggling his own arrow encouraging us to visit "Bill's Ace Hardware – Just two miles down the road."

Another few blocks down the road, before you even get to the Ace Hardware, is a guy with the Mobile PC sign, or maybe it's PC Mobile. I can't get past the fact that he's dressed all gangsta like, with the flat brimmed ball cap and the baggy clothes, to even notice what he's trying to sell.

Is the economy really so bad that "regular" businesses like hardware stores are resorting to sending out a guy with a sign? Do we need to entice people to go buy a new plunger?

"Don't spend another minute with that sh*t clogged toilet! Let the friendly folks at Bill's Ace Hardware fix you up with one of our high-quality, high-performance plungers, and say good-bye to last night's dinner!"

Have mobile phones really become an impulse buy, so that when you see some joker jumping around like he's pissing his pants you're suddenly going to think "Damn it, I keep meaning to pick up a new phone," and swing into this little cracker box of a store next to Subway and some dry cleaner?

Maybe so. Maybe the island is going back in time and we're rediscovering a "new" way to spend our advertising dollars. Maybe those old time sandwich board guys we grew up with in the cartoons were on to something. Why advertise on something as impersonal as radio when you can shove some jackass with a sign right out in front of the very people you're trying to get into your shop?

Unlike today's "Look at me! Look at me!" sign-spinners, at least those old-time sandwich board guys had a little class about them.

So…

Keep reading my blog! I'm really funny! And don't forget to leave lots of comments! Now! RIGHT now!

R.I.P. James Brady

James Brady

1928 – 2009

Bad week for writers.

James Brady, writer of Parade's popular "In Step…" column, died Monday at his Manhattan home at the age of 80. The cause of death has not yet been determined, but my guess is that it's because he was f*cking old.

I, like most people, knew Brady for his celebrity interview column that typically appeared on the back pages of the Parade Magazine insert in our Sunday paper.

In addition to his popular column, which he wrote for nearly 25 years, Brady also wrote a slew of books, from personal memoirs about his experiences as a marine during the Korean war, to his real-life fiction novels featuring his alter ego, Beecher Stowe.

R.I.P. John Updike

John Updike

1932 – 2009

Pulitzer Prize winning novelist, John Updike, died today from lung cancer. Updike was 76.

Admittedly I have not read any of Updike's novels. He was known for his "Rabbit" books; "a quartet of novels published over a 30-year span that featured ex-high school basketball star Harry "Rabbit" Angstrom and his restless adjustment to adulthood and the constraints of work and family." (Why haven't I read this guy?)

What's funny (both ha, ha and strange) is that I always thought Updike wrote Watership Down, another book about rabbits that I have not read, and that apparently he did not write. But then I'm an idiot.

In a college writing class I read an Updike short story called Ace in the Hole. I recall a scene in which the main character, while driving what I believe was an old Chevrolet, lights a cigarette. The description of this very simple action, striking a match on a rusted portion of the dashboard, bringing the flame to the tip of the cigarette, etc. was so eloquent and yet so simple that it made me feel as if I could do this; I could be a writer.

Well that bubble burst long ago, but the story stuck with me.

Godspeed Johnny boy.

Vis-à-vis NERTS

What it said: Iceland's government topples amid financial mess.

What I read: Iceland's government topless amid financial mess.

Iceland + cold ÷ topless = Nipples Erect Right Through Shirt.

See? No matter what the financial downturn, there's always a silver lining.

And yes I realize that NERTS implies "shirt" while TOPLESS implies "shirt-less." Don't be such a jackass, just enjoy the view.

I got your title right here

So it's Friday. What are your plans for the weekend? Oh yea? That sounds great; should be a lot of fun.

OK, enough about you.

I don't have any weekend plans, and from the way I'm currently feeling I may be spending it close to the can. What's up with the cramps; first Lisa and now me? At least as a colitis sufferer I have an excuse. Whatever.

So the Oscar Nominations came out yesterday. Of course I haven't seen any of the movies in any of the categories save for Iron Man, which is up for "Achievement in sound editing" and Achievement in visual effects." Oooo! I haven't even seen the any of the best animated feature nominations. My kids have seen more Oscar nominated movies than me.

I'd really like to see The Wrestler. Yes I like Mickey Rourke. Go f*ck yourself. Yes he made some shi**y movies, and yes he went off the deep end for about 10+ years, and yes he looks like he got whacked with the ugly stick, and yes his closest friend is a Chihuahua, but I still like him. And I hear Marisa Tomei gets naked so it's got more than just Rourke going for it, you snobs.

I'm sorry for my bitter tone. I blame the cramps, and I'm not talking about that punk band, though who knows, maybe they are at fault. But I also blame the fact that during my lunch time drive today I heard the following suck ass songs on the radio; songs that I wish would just go away:

• Lyin' Eyes
• Don't go breaking my heart
• With Arms Wide Open
• It's till Rock and Roll to me
• Hotel California

Am I asking too much?

Anyway…

So I'd like to see some of these movies and performances that the academy is raving about. Wait! I saw another one. Robert Downey Jr. is up for Best supporting actor for his role as a white man playing a black man in Tropic Thunder. Great stuff. He likely won't win, what with being up against a dead guy and all. Ledger is bound to get the sympathy vote.

I see Anne Hathaway is up for best actress in something called Rachel Getting Married. Never even heard of it, though I did hear that she shows her cans in Brokeback Mountain. I wouldn't know because I don't want to wade through dead guy and Zodiac guy making the broke-back mountain to get to them. Boy this is turning into some sort of six-degrees of Downey separation thingy; Downey in Iron Man, Downey vs. Ledger who was in Brokeback with Hathaway and Gyllenhaal, who was in Zodiac with Downey.

Kate Winslet is up for another Oscar. Has she ever won? I like old Kate. Another fine actress who respects her art enough to get naked for it. God love her.

And hey wow, both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are up for Oscars. That might be some sort of Oscar first, but I'm sure a movie nerd out there can confirm that. SPEAK O movie nerd.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is up for a ton of awards, but I've heard more than a few discouraging reviews of this film. Might be worth waiting for the DVD. I'd sure hate to see Brad Pitt beat out Mickey Rourke for Best Actor. I think if the academy has any love and/or respect for Rourke they need to give it to him now while he's still around and working.

There sure are a lot of throw away Oscars at the Oscars: Best Live Action Short Film – "Auf der Strecke?" "Spielzeugland?" "The Pig?" does anybody see this stuff?

Hey look, Hellboy II: The Golden Army is up for a makeup award. Good for Hellboy. I know he puts a lot of time into his appearance.

Looks better than Mickey Rourke anyway.

Who would you Yabba Dabba do?

My BFF Tony sent the following e-mail inquiry (which resulted in the following article)

"Doing a survey here: Is it OK to lust after a cartoon character (of course) and, if so, who are the hottest? For the record, this comes from a conversation I had recently about Elastagirl's ass in the Incredibles."

As he said, "of course" it's OK. And here's just a partial list of the cartoon characters I'd bang.

• Jessica Rabbit
• Betty Rubble (arguably the first MILF)
• 18 yr-old Pebbles Flintstone (see above)
• Ann Margrock
• Pocahontas
• Jasmine (from Aladdin)
• Josie and both Pussycats
• Ariel with or without her fish parts
• Tinkerbell

So…who's on your list? And don't tell me you don't have one, liar.

Let them eat puffed rice bits

What you see here is a container of Archer Farms Egg Nog marshmallow crispy bites.

In other words, Rice Krispy Treats for rich people who have never heard of, purchased, or knowingly consumed Kellogg's Rice Krispies®.

"I say Jeeves; do bring us another round of those crispy, yet chewy Egg Nog bits. They're simply scrumptious."

Happy Inauguration Day.

R.I.P.

Bob May

1939 – 2009

The Model B-9, Class M-3 General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot, has been deactivated.

Actor Bob May, the man who donned the Robinson family's robot suit for 83 episodes of Lost in Space, died yesterday at the age of 69.

The story goes that Bob got the role of "Robot" because, like Johnny Bravo, he "fit the suit," and there's a lot of bread in those threads baby.

Pumped and dangly literature

So last week I wrote about my Blockbuster queue. I'm sure you remember.

Continuing our tour, today I thought I'd point out the "I am currently reading" thingy directly above "In the Queue." Yes, I admit it internet, I am a reader. Don't hate me.

Now I understand that some of you may not be very observant when it comes to things like "words", however unlike my movie queue, the I am Currently Reading thing has a bright, shiny picture of a book, which at some time or another may have attracted your attention.

As you can see, high-brow son of a bitch that I am, I'm currently reading the Pulitzer Prize winning novel The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, by Junot Diaz. This is heady stuff people, the story of a fat, awkward, nerdy, Dominican teenage virgin, growing up and looking for love in New Jersey; lots of historical background s*it on El Jefe and the Dominican Republic. In short, this ain't no bathroom reader (though, ironically, that's where I finished it. I'm not making this up).

However, after all this cerebral sh*t, I like to unwind with something from the lowbrow side of the tracks; something more rippling and sultry.

So, what'll it be, Viking Warrior or The Half-Breed? And hurry up, 'cause I gotta use the can.