Hey Joe

Hey Baby, what’s your tree?

Today I offer you some light, simple fun for your Friday morning.

Have you ever wondered about what day of the year you were conceived? I was likely conceived on or about Thursday November 5, 1964; a work night for crying out loud? I guess there was nothing good on the tube back then.

Did you know that as of this writing I am 379,213 hours old?

Did you know that I share a birthday with a famous fascist?

How about you? How old you are in days, hours, minutes or seconds? What's your equivalent age in dog years? How many BTU's will the candles on your next birthday cake produce? Do you share your birthday with a totalitarian ass muncher or a rock star?

For the love of God, all will be revealed if you'll just click on The Birthday Calculator.

Oh, and mine's a Cypress.

Have a safe and happy Halloween.

Time to Vote

I'm trailing miserably in the latest Caption Contest over at Mattress Police.

While it's nice to be nominated it's better to win, so take a second and go vote for me. You won't regret it. You won't necessarily rejoice in it either, but so long as there's no regret, what the hell, right?

Reeve(s) updates

"Wearing a dark suit and frequently using his hands," and acting like Keanu Reeves, the actor known as Keanu Reeves took the stand and testified this morning in the civil trial against actor Keanu Reeves in which he (Keanu Reeves) has been charged with striking a member of the paparazzi with his (Keanu Reeves') Porsche.

As you may recall, I personally reported on this accident at the time of its occurrence back in 2007. Today's update fulfills my promise to keep you apprised of life's trifling bullsh*t.

You're welcome.

Two side notes:

Alison Silva, if you're really a guy you might want to consider changing your name, ya fembot.

And Christopher Reeve is still dead.

Monday Presumptuousness

I know you're on the edge of your seat, squirming with anticipation as to how I spent my weekend. Well hold on to your hats because this is a doozy.

Saturday – I got to work four hours of maintenance detail at my kid's school!

Can you believe that sh*t? Does that not TOTALLY kick ass or what?

And guess what I got to do for four hours?! I got to sand, scrape and paint this bad boy.

And I'll tell you what, f*ck that Tom Sawyer sh*t. I wasn't about to share the fun here. This baby was all mine.

As my buddy Leigh would say, do not hate me beeatches.

Needless to say, four hours of gaiety goes by like a shot, and despite my tears and pleas to stay and maybe scrape gum off the blacktop with a putty knife, something, anything, I was once again forcibly removed from the school property, my maintenance obligation complete for another year.

To cheer myself up, I went by Dirtbags R Us the Dollar Tree for some balloons with which to decorate the house for my nephew's birthday party.

It was an evening of beer and burgers and Budweiser, topped off with what I thought was going to be the good time known as, You Don't Mess with the Zohan.

Now I can't really give this movie a fair review because we've only watched about half of it, however the fact that I have little interest in seeing the second half might tell you something.

Sunday. Sunday? ….Sun…day…, oh yes, we did jack sh*t.

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, Jack sh*t includes paying bills, and doing laundry and shampooing carpets, and taking the boy to his basketball team picture – only to decide afterwards that we're going to drop out of basketball due to other commitments like school and sanity, so the boy will be that kid in the team photo that everyone says, "Oh, he's the kid who quit the team right after this photo was taken."—and then to a select soccer scrimmage game and then to church and then home where the girl and I sated our craving for ground cow pressed together in convenient patty shaped blocks, while Lisa and the boy dined on more refined fare of rectangular breaded fish chunks.

Yes we always live this large beeatches.

The evening ended with episode 8 of True Blood in which Bill gets himself a little nookie Sookie, and Jason and Amy on the hunt (literally) for some V. I honestly don't know what the critics are saying about this show but it's defiantly sunk its teeth into me.

Oh, how I slay myself.

R.I.P.

Tony Hillerman

1925 – 2008

Author Tony Hillerman, best known for his Navajo Tribal Police mystery novels, died Sunday from pulmonary failure. He was 83-years old.

Hillerman introduced readers to Lt. Joe Leaphorn and Officer Jim Chee in his 1970 novel, The Blessing Way. The two policemen would appear in 18 Hillerman novels set in the Four Corners region of the United States.

Born in Sacred Heart, Oklahoma, Hillerman served in the 103rd Infantry Division during WWII. After the war he worked as a journalist from 1948 – 1962. He earned his Master's degree and taught journalism at the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque from 1966 – 1987.

His last Leaphorn and Chee novel was The Shape Shifter, published in 2006.

Pimping my pal

The recently published Hamilton Stone Review carries a story by my good buddy, Chuck Kinder called The Girl With No Face. Go check it out. I know you don't feel like working on a Friday anyway.

If you like it, I highly recommend you check out Chuck's books.

Honeymooners: A Cautionary Tale (you can pick it up for only $0.35, holy crap what are you waiting for??)

Last Mountain Dancer: Hard-Earned Lessons in Love, Loss, and Honky-Tonk Outlaw Life

Snakehunter

The Silver Ghost

In short, Chuck Kinder kicks ass.

I’d even offer to play a shepherd

Here's a good one for you.

My buddy KC is not known for being a regular attendee at Sunday mass. Normally he's at home watching football, occasionally keeping an eye on his 3-year old daughter while Jenny takes the boys with her to pray for daddy's soul. In fact he is such an infrequent attendee that Jenny has actually been thought by many parishioners to be a single mother. I am not making this up.

Anyway, apparently last week all the planets were in alignment and God was smiling down from the heavens because the 9:00 mass found KC joining Jenny and the kids in the front row. Now I have to say that this was a pretty big sacrifice on KC's part because the Buffalo Bills were playing that morning. As a Buffalo, native, KC is about as diehard as they come. When they first moved to California he would spend his Sundays searching for a watering hole that was broadcasting the Bill's game. It was during one such sojourn that he met future lover, advisor, Who Wants to be a Millionaire lifeline, fellow Bob, Bills lover, Kevin.

But we're getting off track.

So here we have KC the heathen at church; blah, blah, blah, *readings, sermons, songs, etc.*, and an hour later KC is sitting in the car waiting for Jenny so he can get home and catch the Bill's game.

Five minutes….10 minutes…everyone has filed out of church but no Jenny. 15 minutes! KC is considering honking the horn at this point. Finally Jenny emerges and gets in the car.

KC: What took you so long?

Jenn: After mass, a woman from the choir approached me and said that she thought you and I would make a perfect Mary and Joseph at the Christmas mass.

KC: *crickets*

Jenn: Well?

KC: WTF? Me? In a Christmas pageant? Playing Joseph? The father of our your Lord and Savior? Me? The guy who everyone thinks abandoned his wife and children because they never see him at church? They want ME to play JOSEPH? Not even a shepherd or some periphery character, but Joseph??

Jenn: Um, yea.

When KC relayed this story to me the other day I laughed my ass off. Not only because they asked him to play Joseph, but also the absurdity of possibly seeing adults performing in a Christmas pageant. Aren't kids supposed to perform in the Christmas pageant? Have they not seen A Charlie Brown Christmas?

Anyway, I begged him to say yes as it would be the best darn Christmas present I would ever receive, but he has refused.

I am now praying for a miracle. It's in God's hands.

R.I.P. ad nauseum

I'm sorry, but folks are dropping like the Dow Jones and I really don't give a crap. Does that make me a bad person?

Anyway, in no particular order, here are a few of the latest casualties.

Richard "Mr. Blackwell" Blackwell

1922 - 2008

Fashion maven and creator of the annual Ten Worst Dressed Women list, Mr. Blackwell, will be dressed for his final appearance. He died Sunday at the age of 86.

Dee Dee Warwick

1945 – 2008

Dee Dee is finally out of her sister's shadow. Too bad she had to croak to get there.

Levi Stubbs

1936 – 2008

One fourth of the Tops died last Friday from the cancer. One Top remains and as of this writing, Abdul "Duke" Fakir is still spinning.

Frank Rosenthal

1929 – 2008

Sports handicapper, host of The Frank Rosenthal Show, former casino executive and mafia whipping boy, Frank Rosenthal died of a heart attack at his home in Florida on October 13. Rosenthal was played by Robert De Niro in the 1995 film, Casino.

My Hopes and Dreams of Ever Being a Success

September 30, 2008 – October 21, 2008

Keep your prick away from me

So they gave out free flu shots in our office last week. I think just about everyone here took them up on it; everyone but me that is.

What's really funny annoying is that everyone gave me sh*t about it. What the hell do they care if I get a flu shot or not?

First of all, I don't typically get "the flu," so why get a shot for something I normally never get? *knocking on wood*

Also, I'm forever hearing about people who end up sick from the flu shot. How stupid do THEY feel?

And another thing, I'm out of vacation time. Getting sick may be the only chance I have for a few days off between now and January.

Furthermore, I'm a big wienie.

But the money is SO worth it

U.S. News and World Report provides the following shocking news flash.

As I know you're lazy, or maybe just sleep-deprived, below are the highlights:

 

"Nearly a fourth of U.S. teachers say they are so sleep-deprived that their teaching skills are significantly impacted, according to a survey of teachers, administrators and support staff conducted by Ball State University researchers."

"The study found that about 43 percent slept an average of six hours or less each night, and 64 percent said they felt drowsy during the school day. Only a third of all school personnel said they got a good night's sleep most of the time."

"Long work days caused not only by grading papers and preparing assignments may be the cause. Nearly 45 percent of respondents also worked part-time jobs."

"Amschler said the study shows that more assistance is needed to reduce teacher stress and workloads through a variety of programs, including the new federally mandated wellness policies for schools."

 

I personally observe this lack of sleep, glut of work on a daily basis, so to all you folks who say, "Oh teachers have it so easy; they're out of school by 3, they get summers off, blah, blah, blah," please shove it up your ass.

Thank you.