PC? We don’t need no stinkin’ PC

There's an old joke that goes:

"How does every racist joke begin?"

The punch line is that you look over both shoulders.

Get it?

OK, so this reminded me of an embarrassing moment in high school. Let me preface this by saying that I went to a Catholic high school. Anyway my memory of this incident is very hazy, but the gist of it is that I told some Jewish joke in class, unaware that one of the girls sitting nearby had the last name of Garfunkel.* I was quick to discover (about the time she announced to all within earshot) that she was Jewish. Apparently she was also a bitch. I kid. She was just Jewish.

Yes, this makes me a Nazi.

In my defense

• I was 17 years old
• I was a 17 year old dude, ergo I was daft and tactless
• It was a Catholic school for Christ's sake. How was I to know they let Jews in? Come on, was I expected to read the fine print?

Anyway, here it is 25 years later and I still cringe when I think about it. And I can guaran-f*cking-tee that she still remembers me as the guy made an ass of himself telling a Jewish joke to a Jew. So yea, if ever we run into each other at a reunion one day I'm sure we'll have a big laugh over it, and then we'll make fun of the token black dude in our class.

Anyway it got me to thinking about other embarrassing times in life. Not that my life has been full of them but here are a few:

Junior High marching band. That's right baby, because nothing screams "GREAT F*CK" like a dude with a plume in his hat. And I wasn't just some nameless drone in the crowd. I was rank AND section leader for the trombone players, or as we referred to ourselves, the Tromboners. The chicks dug us, but then they were large, pimply flute players so it didn't really count.

Of course I played trombone, because drums or trumpet would have been too cool. Hey, at least I didn't play a woodwind like those other homos.

But you know what? It was great fun, even if I did have to endure the occasional constant mocking of my peers.

 

Then there was the time I went to see Tom Petty at a local venue. Dan, Dean and I got there about an hour or so before show time because, HEY, we had a bottle of tequila and a case of beer to drink in the parking lot, and we needed a little time to prime the pump.

While consuming our intoxicating beverages, a truck pulled up a couple of slots down. Inside the truck were Zeke and Zeb Whitetrash, fresh from a tractor pull or perhaps a monster truck rally.

"What losers," we concluded while popping another Michelob.

Fast-forward through a case of beer and a bottle of tequila.

It's SHOWTIME and there we were stumbling through the gates with our GOD DAMN BEST FRIENDS EVER Zeke and Zeb to enjoy an evening with TOM PETTY WHO TOTALLY KICKS ASS!

It was a night of head butting (seriously, I had bruises on my forehead) and fist-pumping and strange girls sitting in our laps while Zeke (or was it Zeb?) pawed at the one who took a fancy to me. That's about all I remember other than the purchase of a pointless beer, most of which I spilled while trying to find my seat, and I think a concert t-shirt for which I paid by depositing a pile of bills on the counter and asking the sales clerk to take what she needed. I have no idea what happened to the shirt.

Of the concert I remember nothing. I read in the paper the next day that Dave Stewart, then of the Eurhythmics, came out and played a few tunes. I'm sure it was a great show.

So feel free to tell me one of your finer moments. It will make me feel better to at least be able to point my finger at you and say "What a loser."

* Name changed to protect my dignity

Comments

[clyde]

i'm not sure if i just sat next to a seriously drunk guy or in the preist's side of the catholic phone booth ... whew, joe!

so let's just list some punchlines of truly inappropiate jokes:

"it means the trailer is level."
"yeah, you're right, maybe we should bury her."
"if your mother were still live, we coulda saved the horse and wagon, too."

[HeyJoe]

Clyde - what are you doing in MY confessional?

[clyde]

say three hail murries, agree to call bingo next friday, and buy a candle on the way out. absolution is yours. peace be with you.

[HeyJoe]

Hail Murry? Wasn't he the news writer on the Mary Tyler Moore show? Or was that Capt. Schtuping?

[John]

You are brave, Joe. If I thought hard enough, I'm sure I could top your embarrassing moments... OK can't take it anymore. But, do you think I'm going to tell anyone? Not a chance. I don't need anyone to remind me after I HAVE truly forgotten. Selective amnesia is one of the benefits of old age.

[moooooog35]

I remember saying to Rachel Salzman (ummm...DUH) in the hallway when she was ignoring me:

"What am I...Jewish?"

Not sure WHY I said that...other than the fact that I live in New Hampshire and we preach intolerance of other cultures when we inbreed.

Evil Stare.

Point taken.

Bad Day.

[HeyJoe]

Brave John or just stupid. They often go hand in hand. We'll swap stories next time we meet up.

Moog - Welcome. Please be sure to practice your goose step and salute as the Führer will be inspecting ranks next week.

[leigh]

you reminded me of an embarrassing moment, but i'm saving it now for a post.

BTW, i married a jewish guy and converted. and jewish girls are bitches. they HATED me for taking one of their own off the market.

and my sister married an italian guy from buffalo. we don't discriminate in my family.

[Lisa]

I remember when you went to that concert, but I don't remember hearing about the girls on your lap. Does that qualify as an embarassing moment?

[HeyJoe]

Leigh - look forward to hearing about it.

Lisa - It does now.

[cruisin-mom]

I've posted about one of my most embarrassing moments so I won't bore you here.
But, Leigh...ALL Jewish girls are bitches?

[HeyJoe]

Mom - I'll have to mosey over and read all about it.

[Brokemom]

I don't get it. I never do...

[HeyJoe]

Sorry BM. Can I send you the cliff notes?