Monday Madness

So what the hell do you want from me, some kind of weekend recap? As if you give a sh*t? Baseball, soccer, chores, etc. Now go piss off.

OK, I kid. Yes there was baseball and soccer, but there was also a viewing of Dan in Real Life (a cliché filled pile of badger dung) and the Art and Wine festival where we procured two new pint glasses and two whole beers all for the low, LOW price of $20. Did we get royally screwed or what? You get charged for the glass, which you need in order to get beer, and then you pay for the beer on top of it. Damn good thing I didn't buy an art or we'd be living in a van down by the river.

The Art & Wine festival is always a good time though, particularly if the weather is as nice as it was on Saturday. Several years ago I wrote an article about this event for the town paper. Unfortunately as this annual event is sponsored by the town's "business association," many of whom are also advertisers in the town paper, my article was deemed inappropriate, and thus it was censored.

I attempted to stage a sit in, but was unsuccessful in getting more than a few local drunks to join in the protest. Once the billy clubs came out, they were quick to break ranks and the whole event just sort of fizzled.

So for the first time anywhere, except an old website of mine that no one but my mother and a group of hostile appliance collectors ever visit, I give you One Beer with a Side of Art, Please

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The 9th Annual [small town where Joe lives] Art & Wine festival has come and gone. There were two very unique points about this year's festival;

1. I was actually able to attend
2. It did not rain.

If there's one thing I hate, it's Art and Rain. I don't like soggy art. Wine and Rain I can handle, though I really prefer Beer and Rain if you want to split hairs. And why is it that you never see "Beer and Art" festivals? As a beer drinker, I'm offended. What—can I not appreciate fine art? Well I might be able to…if I knew what it was.

Every festival involving "art" puts me into a state of confusion. I've discovered that, try as I might, I just don't understand art. I'm not even sure what "art" is.

What is it about—and pick the object of your choice—a painting, a nude woman made of wrought iron, a life-size likeness of [B-list celebrity] fashioned from rabbit droppings—that constitutes that something as "art?" Why is it that some things are considered works of art while others are works of crap? Can we get a judge's ruling here?

If I were to take a handful of rocks, paint them and glue them together, basically I'd have something that resembled painted rocks being held together with glue. However if there were a person out there (and somewhere there is) who was loony enough to pay me for my "Rocks Reclining with Pigment and Adhesive" sculpture, suddenly it is deemed "art". It's still the same pile of rocks I found in my backyard, a paint-by-numbers kit and epoxy, but once money has changed hands and that item resides on a shelf in someone's home or office, it has been transformed into…a work of art!

I really do think it's THAT simple. If someone is willing to pay for it, it's art. If no one is willing to pay for it, it's crap.

Say it with me. Money—Art. No money—Crap.

Here's another little observation, and I'm sure I'm not alone in having observed it. Why is it that wine or beer or some other spirit always accompanies an art festival? I'll tell you why; because the more booze you consume the more of an art connoisseur you become. These festival promoters are not stupid. They know that after John and Jane Public down a couple of pints, or a carafe of some local hooch, "Pebbles at Play" is suddenly going to look a whole lot more appealing.

"Look Jane! This unique and exquisite piece of art will look perfect in our breakfast nook!"

"Why you're right John! Can you believe that just an hour ago we were laughing about who would actually buy such a piece of crap? Boy, are we lucky it hasn't been snapped up already! Another shot of this intoxicating beverage dear?"

Well hopefully you were able to take advantage of the opportunity to transform someone's backyard hobby into a commodity worth untold riches. Be sure to attend next year's festival where I'll be selling still life's made from the pure crust of Mother Earth. That and any other crap I don't unload at our next garage sale.

Comments

[Cookiebitch]

I think your hometown paper is run by pansies. I would have totally run this in my paper.

[VE]

Badger dung huh? I'll avoid that movie. Thanks for suffering so I don't have to!!

[natalie]

um...if no one has laid claim to pebbles at play i want it! i'll give you 1,000,000 eski turk lira for it. you won't find a better deal!

[HeyJoe]

Cookie- I KNOW! They're total pansies, sucking up to the advertisers. I thought newspapers were supposed to have balls.

VE- Badger dung, yes. Carrel is enjoyable but they crammed in every large family cliché possible, I kid you not.

Natalie - SOLD, so long as eski turk lira isn't actually badger dung. I have no idea what they use for currency in your neck of the woods.