Will Blog for Friends

The facts:

• I'm a loser with no friends
• I'm older than most of my co-workers
• They want nothing to do with me anyway because…well see #1
• I have a blog

Up until this point I've used the POWER of this blog for the good of mankind, but no more. Today I'm using it to begin the: campaign.

Sorry; God damn wingdings font.

That would be the: Be Joe's Friend campaign.

During this crusade, I will turn the POWER of my blog into my personal bully pulpit, and attempt to badger various people into becoming my friend.

Why the hell not, right?

• Who pays the $4.95 to Typepad every month? Me.
• Who spends inordinate amounts of time coming up with creative chunks of flotsam for your enjoyment? Me.
• Who cries himself to sleep at night at the prospect of eating lunch alone every day? How the f*ck should I know? Certainly not me. Shut up.
• Who can use as many damn font types and bullets in his posts as he wants? Me.

So who can use his blog for whatever twisted agenda enters his well-shaped head?

You're damn right.

My first new "friend" will be a fellow blogger and local boy by the name of Tony Hicks. I understand he also writes a column for some local rag, but as we typically either:

1. Leave the newspaper in the driveway for weeks on end
2. Use it to protect our kitchen table during "art projects"
3. Use it to clean up Sonny's barf

I'm really not familiar with his work.

Joe's new friend ---à

 

However he is local and he's generous when buying drinks, so he meets a few of the important criteria on the "Criteria to be Joe's Friend" list. The fact that he's a writer will allow us to "talk shop," in between checking out the local babes and arm wrestling.

Tony – let me know when you're free and we'll hook up and swap stories. I don't have any, so be prepared to talk. And bring your wallet.

OK, who else wants to be Joe's friend? Speak up!

Comments

[becky]

Your post made me think of a party many years ago where my friend Chris got insanely drunk and passed out at the picnic table without a shirt on. So...I took a Sharpie and wrote in bold letters on his back: Hello, my name is Chris. Will you be my friend?
Then we sewed his pant legs together...
Anyhow, I would love to be your friend. It's the least I can do to show my appriciation for one of my favorite blogs!

[VE]

Well I comment here all the time, I might as well say ok!

[natalie]

i'll be your friend. but then again i'm not local so i can't buy your drinks. and i suck at arm wrestling, but will give my opinion on any babes in the room. eh...i don't guess i have much to offer. oh well. i do own a hookah though and am willing to pass it around...does that get me anywhere?

[HeyJoe]

Becky- Thanks. I'll be sure to keep my shirt on around you...and my legs..apart? Together? No, wait. I won't WEAR pants. That's it.

VE- Thanks. I'd like a vodka rocks please.

Natalie - you and your hookah are welcome anytime.

[moooooog35]

If I agree, do I also get a framed self-portrait?!

I mean, sure...being your friend is good and all...but the framed picture really sells it.

[Rachet]

Hmm, What about all the people that thought they were you friends before this campaign? huh? Do we still count? Also please specify your "criteria" as I may not end up being able to be your friend after all...(for someone so desperate, you sure should rethink the criteria thing)
Luv ya Joe.

[HeyJoe]

You're not exactly "local," Rachet. Oh, and the badminton thing sort of queers it too :)

Just Kidding.

Now buy me a drink.