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The horror

The remains from today's executive meeting catered lunch…after the office vultures converged; some salad, a ¾ carton of some type of soup and three pieces of sliced cheddar cheese. Dem bones have been picked clean.

I've bitched about this before, but it never fails to amaze me just how excited people become at the prospect of free food. It's as if they're POW's and the guards forgot to lock their cages and then left the dining hall unguarded. People practically run when word gets out about free vittles, and then they swarm , scoop up as many cookies, half sandwiches and bags of chips as they can carry before scurrying back to their cells, lest their captors discover them and administer a good caning.

Needless to say, I got squat. Though I'll bet that cheese would taste pretty good if I dipped it into the soup.

Keep your fork, there’s soup!

Q: What do you get when you throw a leper in a hot tub?

A: Stew, and ensuing hi-jinx!

 

Did you know that today is World Leprosy Day? It is, so get out there and celebrate.

Yes, I know that leprosy is no laughing matter – if you have it. If not, it's fair game.

Oh, get over yourself and E-mail a joke.

Shopping for authenticity

Here's something about which I'm a stickler.

We're all into trying to be healthy; lean meat, lots of water, filtered cigarettes. As such, we are more or less regular consumers of the green tea.

Now when I'm buying green tea, which as we all know originated in one of them Chinese countries; I want to see an Asian gentleman on the box thereby verifying its authenticity. I don't want to see some bamboo hut or a cutesy leopard or some Chinese characters that for all I know could be saying "You're drinking my piss, round eye" or some waving tea leaves that could be marijuana for all I know. Heavens to Betsy, that won't do.

No. Give me the Asian man or give me Earl Grey. Or better yet, just give me coffee.

Red’s Great Whine

As promised , here is half of my contribution to Neil's Great Interview Experiment; my interview with the blogger Lara B, better known as Red Red Whine.

What prompted you to start a blog?

Well, I suppose the simple answer is "my narcissism". Really, though, my friend Oy Vey had one and I thought it seemed fun.

How do you earn your living?

My official title is now "Attorney Search Director" (formerly "Attorney Placement Director" – big difference, huh?), which means that I am a recruiter of lawyers. In my past life, I was a lawyer, and this is a lot more fun. I wouldn't be surprised if I changed careers a few more times in my lifetime, though.

As a wine drinker, what is your favorite? And what goes best with Chilean sea bass and garlic mashed potatoes?

Red. How's that for specificity? I'm really not all that picky, and don't exactly have a lot of wine knowledge. Hell, I didn't even know what tannin was until I shared a bottle of what we now refer to as "The Band-Aid Wine" with my friend Rosie. That shit was vile and tasted like a first aid kid. Of course, I don't remember the name of the wine so now I just avoid bottles described as has having strong tannins. Anyway, basically I choose wines based on their price ($12 or less is preferable, unless I feel splurge-y and go up to $20) and their label. The problem with this plan is that I can't often remember them by name, which means that I can't often tell others what I like. There's a Rioja that I love but I never can remember the name of it; the bottle has a small picture of a deer head on it, and I like a lot of the $15-ish red blends, malbecs, valpolicellas, zinfandels…hell, most reds, I love. Oh! And several years ago I had a Hangtime Pinot Noir that I loved and have never again found in a store (although I found it online once) and I remember loving a BearBoat Pinot Noir.

That being said though, I can tell you some of my favorites from our trips to Napa/Sonoma. On someone else's dime or on special occasions, Nickel & Nickel makes a damn delicious Cabernet, and the Zinfandel is yumm-o-rama as well. Thumbprint's Carignane Rouge is delicious on a hot day – it's a red that is meant to be drunk chilled. My husband and I get regular shipments from Mayo as well and have yet to be disappointed. Ooh, and Cakebread Sauvignon Blanc.

I don't have a damn clue. I once attended a wine and cheese tasting, which taught me that certain foods really do taste better with certain wines, but when it comes down to it, I just drink whatever I'm in the mood for. Drink what you like, man.

How did you become a beer reviewer?

Ha! I'm a self-appointed beer reviewer. My friend Oy Vey and I decided one day to start a beer blog, thus starting our "careers" as beer reviewers. We haven't reviewed a beer in a long time, but I've got a fridge full of random beers just waiting for us to get a chance to do so.

Besides walk and slinky, what else can you do with your feet?

Kick people. I do it all the time and it's very satisfying. Especially to children.

What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done? 

I think "outrageous" is in the eye of the beholder (or something like that). It's kind of a toss-up.

In college, I signed up for a skydiving trip in order to have an excuse to talk to the guy organizing the trip, despite the fact that I'm the world's biggest chicken. I knew I wouldn't end up going, because I had to ask my parents for money to do it and my dad is scared of heights, so I basically made this whole charade of how I thought I'd be going. I went through the motions and asked my parents to deposit money into my bank account for it (What can I say? I was a teeny bit spoiled), then perpetuated the charade by whining to my friends over dinner about how disappointed I was that I couldn't go. Later that evening, I had about 10 people in my dorm room when I hit "play" on my answering machine, so that everyone heard my mom saying, "Well, your daddy and I have talked about it, and we're really proud of you for wanting to do this since you've always been our little scaredy-cat. Even though we think you're crazy, we've deposited the money into your account. Call us to let us know you survived." At that point, I couldn't back down. And so I went skydiving. For a boy. Who gave me a beer afterwards but I was too busy talking to a different boy to care.

On my first date with Rob (who later became my husband), I rambled on and on about how much I loved New York. On our second date, he looked online for cheap flights there (we were living in Atlanta at the time), I thought to call my bluff. The next morning, he called me and said he'd found a good deal on tickets for that weekend and asked me if I wanted to go. It felt completely crazy and brazen and ridiculous but also romantic, and so I went, even though I only had about $40 in my bank account at the time and wouldn't have been able to get back to Atlanta on my own if he'd ended up being a crazy person. (Also, everyone always asks, but no, I had not yet slept with him.)

As a resident of Pennsylvania, are you a fan of my close, personal friend, Chuck Kinder? If so, what is your favorite of his books?

I am embarrassed to admit that, until you mentioned him, I had never heard of Chuck Kinder. Man, I suck. I'll pick one of his books up soon, I promise.

What draws you to fencing as opposed to say, aerobics or curling?

Hahahaha. My fencing career was, sadly, short-lived. My friend and I chose the class together in an effort to see each other more often. She seems to have forgotten that we had to take a freakin' class in order to see each other last year (She has now stopped talking to me because I "haven't been there" for her enough this year. Hmm. But I digress. Friend drama blows.) Anyway, if I remember correctly, we chose it because we thought we'd laugh a lot (we did) and also get some exercise (we did this, too). Looking back on it, fencing was freakin' fun. I might have to sign up for another class in it.

As a brew reviewer, do you get free beer?

Sadly, no. Self-appointed brew reviewers have to pay for their own beer. This is one of life's great tragedies.

Beer or wine – only one for the rest of your life –which do you choose and why?

Wine. The reason is simple: I like it better, in a universal sense of the word. I would drink wine with just about anything.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Man, that's a tough question. Does the place have to exist? Because for me, I'd just like to live near everyone I love. I don't particularly care where. I just want all my friends and family to be in the same town, but far enough from each other that we don't drive each other crazy.

Former peg, though certainly not square

Don't ask me how I went up my butt and around the corner to pull out this one.

As a high school kid in the early 80's, I still have memories of the very short-lived TV show, Square Pegs. Of course we all remember Sarah "The" Jessica "Horseface" Parker who went on to appear in such classics as Footloose, Dudley Do-Right and Striking Distance, but what became of Amy Linker, Parker's heavy-set, metal-mouth buddy?

Nothing.

Well nothing interesting anyway.

When Square Pegs wrapped after just three episodes (which I still don't understand – it had it all – teen angst, quirky characters, young muff Muffy played by a young Jamie Gertz; Tracy Nelson as valley girl Jennifer DeNuccio (and check those specs on Horseface). It even had two appearances by The Doors drummer, John Densmore, as himself. I have no idea what he was doing on Square Pegs but apparently he was. You'd think I'd remember as there were only three episodes, but the memory is too chock-full of Brady Bunch crap to remember much about Square Pegs.

Anyway, after S.P. crashed and burned, Linker gave voice to the character Robin O'Neill, "a beautiful, blue-eyed redhead with freckles that's eager to jump into any situation" on the Mr. T animated TV series. When that show tanked, Linker went back to school, graduating in 1989 from Wellesley College.

Today she works as a substitute teacher and is a practicing lesbian, though I'm just speculating on that whole lesbian thing.

Maybe I should do more real work


Saint Marks Park with Drunks by Arthur Robins

The following is an e-mail exchange with The Wizzer, who has been off the radar for months. This first exchange took place last Thursday.

Wiz: Thought I died and went to heaven, didn't you? Well, I didn't. However, I did escape the hell that is "heartless insurance company that has held him captive for the past 15 years".

Me: I had considered the possibility that you'd croaked, but never for a second did I think you'd gone to heaven. I even did an obit search. Honest. Tell me about the new job.

Late Friday I finally hear back from him.

Wiz: New job ? There you go again with the humor. I am officially retired. Last day of work was 12-2, had enough time built up to take the rest of Dec off. My "last" day was 12-28, and I wasn't even there!

Me: Hey now, well my congratulations to you sir. You lived long enough to stick it to the man. So where are you spending your days? Bars? Park bench? Local elementary school? Are you still living in "east bay city" or have you moved to Elk or some other backass town? Bring me up to speed jackass. Stop making me ask so many questions. Notice how my e-mail begins on a positive, congratulatory note and somehow segues into a bitter, angry rant? What's up with that? Why can't I just be happy?

So far, no response. You'd think a retired guy would be like Johnny-on-the-f*ucking-spot when it came to answering e-mails.

R.I.P.

Christian Brando

1958 - 2008

Christian Brando, son of the late Marlon Brando, died from pneumonia today. He was 49.

Yet another "troubled" young celebrity, besides his famous father Brando is best known for his troubles with the law, most famously his 1990 voluntary manslaughter conviction for the killing of Dag Drollet, boyfriend to his half-sister Cheyenne. Cheyenne hung herself in 1995 leaving she and Drollet's son Tuki to be raised by Cheyenne's mother in Tahiti. 

Christian was also involved in the Robert Blake/Bonnie Blakey murder fiasco. Brando had been dating Blakey at the same time as Blake and Blake accused Brando of murdering her. It was all very confusing and frankly just a bunch of low-class dirt bags pointing fingers.

One news report referred to Christian Brando as an actor, and states that he appeared in "a handful of movies, including 1968's 'I Love You, Alice B. Toklas!' ," however I found no listing for him on IMDB nor is he listed in the cast credits. In fact, I can't find any information on anything Christian Brando did other than break the law. It would appear that he didn't do much of anything with the 49 years he was given on this earth. What a waste.

In addition to a Celebrity Death, you may consider this your Random Celebrity Update on Christian Brando.

Unpacking our adjectives

Conversation in the kitchen

Me: Why didn't you eat the peanut butter crackers in your lunch today?

Girl: They tasted plastic baggy.

Me: Come again?

Girl: They tasted plastic baggy. They tasted like the plastic bag they were in

Me: I notice you ate the brownies though. They were in a plastic bag too.

Girl: They didn't taste plastic baggy

Me: If the peanut butter crackers tasted plastic baggy, then it would follow that the brownies should also taste plastic baggy, right?

Girl: *crickets*

Me: *crickets*

Suburban Mexican Standoff ensues

Worship and rock gathering to begin promptly at 8:00 AM

You are cordially invited to attend the grand opening of Mission Santa Cruz this coming Sunday.

After many hard hours of work on the part of our newly baptized, we are happy to say that the bells will be a ringin' and the choir will be a singin', so don't just stand there with your ding-a-ling-a-swingin', come on down for some wine and Frisbee flingin'.

But seriously folks, we're mighty proud of what we've accomplished here and would really like to see ya'll at the blessing of our newest mission. They'll be a tortilla toss and candle making for the kids, plenty of good food and fellowship and we'll end the day with a good old-fashioned stoning of that young couple we caught in the midst of the devil's business last week in the orchard.

Please plan to attend and bring a covered dish to share with your neighbors.

Pastor Joe

Neil Kramer’s Great Interview Experiment

Who the hell is Neil Kramer you ask? Valid question. Neil Kramer is the blogger behind Citizen of the Month and the man behind The Great Interview Experiment.

As I know my readers are lazy very busy and probably won't bother to actually read Neil's post, allow me to encapsulate.

We bloggers are many, but few of us are known. We type away, day after day, tossing out thoughts and entertainment to the winds like so much pixie dust at a fairy convention. Most of us have a few regular readers but very few of us have the great unwashed masses making daily pilgrimages to our blogs. In short, it's quite possible to feel like a big freakin' nobody out here, hence The Great Interview Experiment, or TGIE.

Neil makes the point that quite often a person does not take on a sense of importance so far as the public is concerned until one day someone decides to interview them. Typically the interviewer is someone of importance, be it a news reporter or columnist or well known blogger. What then occurs is that the masses think "Hmmm, so and so feels this person is interesting enough to interview. Perhaps they are interesting. I must pay more attention to this person from now on."

Neil's thought is that "anyone who decides to write about their life online is interesting" and thus everyone should have the chance to be interviewed at least once in life. How TGIE works is that anyone who has a blog and wants to participate adds their name to the comment list. The person who adds their name before you will interview you and you will interview the person who posts immediately after you. Get it? All interviews will then be posted to the respective interviewee's blogs, casting and linking a huge net of virtual love.

So, a blogger by the name of Melanie at Not Just Nouns & Verbs will be interviewing me. In turn, I will be interviewing Lara at Red Red Whine.

I know. You can hardly wait.