In holiday tradition, I've already made my annual bitch about the pre-Christmas blitz made by retailers and radio stations. But this particular bitch is about Christmas carols in general and stations that choose to play NOTHING BUT CHRISTMAS CAROLS in particular.
When it comes right down to it there are probably only a handful of true Christmas carols; the ones that we all know and recognize. In fact I'll even go so far as to say that there are 67 top Christmas Songs. But in reading through this list, there are only 52 that I truly know. With that in mind, how can a radio station play nothing but Christmas carols 24/7 for over a month? Talk about a short play list. How many fucking times can we hear José Feliciano sing Feliz Navidad before we want to slaughter a small animal?
And I'm a traditionalist by nature. I don't go in for all these "new" Holiday songs; "Kwanza Kringle" or "Drop that Sheep and Follow that Star." To me, those are not Christmas songs. Any of this made up holiday shit written within the past 25 years doesn't really count. Also, there are certain songs that require the original artist's rendering to truly be authentic. If I want to listen to White Christmas than I want Bing "I beat my kids and don't give a shit who knows it" Crosby at the mic, not Elton John. Sleigh Ride? Johnny Mathis, ditto Winter Wonderland. The Christmas Song? I'd better hear Nat "No I ain't Natalie" King Cole (or again, Johnny Mathis). I grew up with the album Merry Christmas – Johnny Mathis on LP, so that album is sort of the definitive Christmas album so far as I'm concerned.
If I could actually manage to listen to one of these stations for any length of time, I'd be curious to see how long it takes them to replay a song.
"Coming up in our next set we'll have The Beach Boys singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town followed by Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen. Also coming up will be Michael Bolton doing that holiday classic, Santa Claus is Coming to Town followed by Alvin & The Chipmunks doing their own unique version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. We'll end our next ½ hour of uninterrupted music with Frank Sinatra and Cyndi Lauper performing a duet of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. We'll then play ten minutes of Christmas themed commercials but we'll be right back with the holiday music and that all time favorite Winter Wonderland as sung by Jewel, Air Supply, Elvis Presley, Dean Martin The Three Tenors, Neil Diamond, Toby Keith and Billy "Crash" Craddock."
"When you're just about, but not quite ready to hang yourself, we'll be serving up Jessica Simpson & Rosie O'Donnell double-teaming Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree, at which time you should have no trouble kicking out the chair."