The Boy – A Reflection

So the therapist suggested that I blog about the boy, being that he is a constant source of discussion and, admittedly, frustration.

The boy is nine. He's very bright, funny, adventurous, and athletic. He's a thinker, he's creative and he asks wonderful questions. He can be compassionate and very loving. He makes me laugh at times when I should be playing the stern father; often when I'm in the midst of playing the stern father. This often ruins opportunities for teaching him self-control, respect and discipline; if dad's laughing, it must be OK.

For all of his wonderful qualities, he is very trying and requires constant reminders to stay focused on the task at hand, whatever it may be. He gets frustrated easily and has moments of anger that are expressed in a loss of self-control and 'poor choices." That term, "poor choices" always strikes me as one of those modern child-rearing, psycho-babble terms, but it is fairly accurate description. He chooses to do something he knows he shouldn't do, be it not doing what he's asked to do, throwing an object that might cause injury or break something. He appears not to care about consequences, choosing instead to do what he wants. He craves independence and desires to make his own decisions, while at the same time not wanting to "grow up." I think both of our kids fear adulthood, and rightly so based on how well I deal with it sometimes. To them, adults spend all of their time working and being stressed out, a far from appealing existence to be sure, particularly if you're nine.

Lisa and I are considering the fact that he could be ADD and may require some type of medication. There is a history of it within the family and he certainly exhibits many of the symptoms. That history has also shown that some of those who perhaps should have been medicated earlier in life and were not, later chose to self-medicate; a "poor choice" that has not led them to a very peaceful existence. We do not want the boy to make this same choice. I believe his frustration is often with himself and the feeling that he is unable to do what he knows is right.

I've always been very pro medication. Whatever the problem, there must be a pill for it. Whenever I go to the Dr., I feel ripped off if I don't leave with a prescription. But when it comes to matters of the brain (OK, my child's brain), I'm very wary of the medication route. I don't want to change who he is, somehow obstruct his personality. I don't want him to lose the energy that so often makes me laugh. I just want him to be able to focus his energy, be able to control it and choose where and how to use it; to accomplish his goals thereby improving his self-esteem which obviously does wonders for a child's emotional growth.

I love this kid, and sometimes love immobilizes us from acting for fear of making the wrong choice. We now need to make some choices ourselves. Hopefully, they'll be good ones.

Comments

[jf]

My one is only 6, but I'm hearing you. The particular kind of impulsive behavior you describe can be really painful to everyone involved, both emotionally AND physically. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
Thanks for writing about it though; one of the things that helps keep my limited sanity intact during those special moments is reading or hearing about other people's experiences.

[Joe]

Thanks bean

[THE WHIZZER]

IF YOU CAN POSSIBLY AVOID IT, DON'T MEDICATE YOUR SON. WHEN I WAS IN THE 4TH GRADE, I WAS SO WILD I HAD TO SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST. JESUS, I REMEMBER IT. DONT KNOW HOW, BUT I MADE IT THRU SCHOOL WITHOUT RITALIN OR WHATEVER THAT SHIT IS. BACK IN THE DAY, WE HAD TO TOUGH IT OUT. NOW, AS AN ADULT, I CAN CHOOSE MY MEDICATION...

[Dianne S]

Oh, lordy, I sympathize. I too have a 9 year old boy who is wildly funny and creative, and most definitely ADHD!

Medication is not only the answer, but when it is used carefully and correctly, it can make a wonderful difference! My boys goes from whirling dervish to typical wild little boy. Really, the only effect it has on him is to just ever-so-slightly slow him down. Enough to read a book, or build a sand castle.

[Hairy Potter]

Buy him a skate board, a bmx bike, a snowboard, WHATEVER...and LET him jump them. Just make sure his health insurance is paid up and buy a few pens so his friends can sign his casts. That pic of him on the tube says it all.

[Joe]

He's got the skate board, the scooter, the motocross bike. If we spent more time in snow country, he'd have the snowboard as well. He plays soccer and baseball, he plays the drums, climbs trees and plays street football.

Great picture huh? That's him to a T.

The health insurance is all current.

[Hairy Potter]

Then I'm out -- never mind.

[Pambasilea]

This is the toughest thing that I see, as a teacher, parents go through. You're afraid to act, but afraid to wait. If it affects his ability to maintain focus (or self-control) in school, and if it keeps him from making progress intellectually to the point where he begins to feel insecure about his natural abilities, then testing can't hurt. And then you can take it from there. I've seen this handled in every way you can imagine, from complete denial to fanaticism. I've seen some amazing success stories, too, and the common denominator in all of those was forthrightness and, it may be goofy to say, but teamwork. The families work as a total team: parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, extended family, teachers, friends, principals. Because it's not just the kid who has to learn new strategies and new ways of thinking of the situation. It's everyone, especially Mom and Dad. The doubts and fears you have are healthy, by far healthier than many of the other responses I've seen. I am sending positive thoughts out to you and Lisa.

[Joe]

Thanks F

[hossangel]

My five year old is nothing like I was as a kid...I was quiet, contemplative, left-brained. She is energetic, excitable, and takes on many tasks at once, finishing few. She talks all day long and requires lots of exercise so she can sleep before 11. It is a great challenge to keep this crazy girl focused and steady. I wish you and Lisa lots of love and luck as you persevere through these years. It won't be long. Just remember, I knew you two when we were just nine or ten, and look how good we turned out! (wait, maybe that's not such a good example...) Anyway, keep your meds close by and enjoy being a dad!