Hey Joe

Duggans: The Burger King of Mortuaries

That’s right folks, when it comes to your death there’s nothing like the personal touch that YOU, the deceased, can bring to the table.

Here at Duggans, it’s all about YOU. Grieving family? Fuck ‘em. Destitute children? Not your problem any more. Mounds of debt? Collect THIS. We say screw the living. At Duggan’s it’s all about the dead—and that’s you.

Would you like a church service? No problem. We’ll cold-ship your carcass free to any church within a 50 mile radius (.78 per mile beyond, plus gas). Ocean lover? We’ll toss you off Duggan’s Dinghy (weather permitting. Additional fee for sandbags). We’ll even build a bonfire at Ocean Beach and send you off with one hell of a wienie roast.

Who says death can’t be a pleasant experience? Why just look at all those smiling faces in our ad. Not a griever in the bunch. Why? Because at Duggan’s your death is our living and we’ll kill ourselves to make your death the most pleasurable experience of your life. We’ll even give you refreshments and prizes. The works!

If you can dream it, we can do it. The only limit is your imagination, your bank account and your still breathing corpse. So stop dreaming and start dying. Today is the last day of the rest of your life!

Battle of the Poindexters

So I’m on my way back to the office after lunch, sitting at a stop-light. Suddenly, I hear it - the thumping, pulsing and pounding of yet another unidentifiable rap song. It continues to get louder until the blare-er in question pulls up next to me. I glance over and there sits a beat to shit Toyota Celica with a dweeb of a four-eyed white-boy behind the wheel, bopping his over-sized, out of sync head to the noise. His car wasn’t so much booming as rattling.

Well, two dweeby white-boys in emasculating, crappy cars can play that game. I turned up the volume on my “am/fm in-dash cassette hi-fi system with only rear speakers” and allowed KT Tunstall to do battle with Biggie SugeRush Bitch-Slappin’ Loose Change.

I think Poindexter will think twice before cruisin’ my turf again. Word up, out over and THROUGH.

I Got Your Bow Wow Right Here

Hoping to divert attention from an apparent act of bestiality, Debbie Parkhurst of Calvert, Md claims that her 2-yr old golden retriever, Toby, actually performed the 'Heimlich' maneuver on her when she claims that she was chocking on a piece of apple.

According to Yahoo News, the 45 yr old kennel robber was eating a piece of apple when it got lodged in her throat. She attempted to perform the Heimlich on herself by thumping her chest in a come-hither manner. Toby apparently got the message.

According to Parkhurst,

“The next think I know, Toby's up on his hind feet and he's got his front paws on my shoulders," she recalled. "He pushed me to the ground, and once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest. I literally have paw print-shaped bruises on my chest. I'm still a little hoarse, but otherwise, I'm OK."

Toby refused to talk with reporters, but was seen enjoying a cigarette while allowing his neighborhood troop to sniff his privates.

In The News

On the heels of Bryan James Hathaway, the infamous deer Romeo, comes Garth M. Flaherty of Pullman (ignoring opportunity for tasteless joke) WA. charged with theft and burglary when police found 93 pounds of bras and panties in his home. 93 pounds; enough to fill five garbage bags.

A witness managed to get his license plate as he drove away from an apartment complex after raiding the laundry room.

According to police police Cmdr. Chris Tennant, “He (Flaherty) said he has a problem.”

No shit. 

Garth, meet James. I’m sure you two will have lots to talk about.

Speaking of shit, it continues jump off at Redwood Middle School in Napa where 14 year old Toni Kay Scott was sent to an in-school suspension program called "Students with Attitude Problems" for wearing Tigger socks to school. The schools dress code stipulates that clothing may not be emblazoned with any "pictures, words, symbols or patterns." This is to avoid any possible gang related activity, and as we all know Tigger has been a gang-banger since Piglet was, well a piglet.

Surely this is a sign of the Apocalypse.

Scallops: The Low Achiever of Shellfish

So it’s Sunday. Freakin’ busy day, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. Lisa’s in charge of coordinating yet another round of some sort of government mandated testing so she’s been spending all day organizing paperwork. All very hush, hush too. Four boxes were delivered last week by some FedEx guy in dark glasses; made me sign for them then took a DNA sample. She can’t leave them at school lest some young ruffian gets his grubby hands on a copy, which would of course set off, “Elementary-gate.” She’s also in charge of providing snacks and “awards” for the little simpletons. Can you say “not in my job description?” Well maybe it is. She did agree to do it. Regardless, all I can say is we’d better get a reimbursement check as I dropped $55 today on Capri Sun and Quaker Chewy Granola bars and that’s not even factoring in the cost of the “prizes”.

Kids today are like a bunch of freakin' lab rats with as much testing as takes place. Just let the teachers teach for Christ’s sake and maybe kids will actually learn something. The government requires so much testing that kids hardly have any time to learn what the hell they’re being tested on. It’s testing my patience.

So in my continuing attempt to allow her free time, I whipped up a little linguine with sautéed scallops for dinner. It was pretty damn good, thank you; butter & oil, heated with crushed red pepper, lemon juice, various spices, sautéed red bell pepper, big, fat, thick, meaty scallops, topped with parsley and a zesting of lemon. That’s right, this beeatch can cook when he has to. And I’m a good lay. Well I can cook anyway. Piss off. I have to go clean the kitchen.

My Deer, You Look Ravishing

Nothing  like the touch, the feel  of warm venison on a cold Wisconsin night. Just ask Bryan James Hathaway who was recently convicted of having carnal knowledge of a deer.

Hathaway shot down Jane Deer for the sole purpose of making her his love toy. My sources tell me that he had just outfitted his rig with some new snow tires so as to better traverse the deep woods where the "sexy venison" tend to go clubbing.

Hathaway was convicted for the 2005 murder of a horse that he'd  plan to,..um ride. His probation will be served in conjunction with a nine-month jail sentence for violating his extended supervision in connection with the horse assault. It's all very confusing. In short, this is one messed up SOB.

The moral: steer clear of snow tires.

Hey Joe - Helping You Not Look Like an Ass Since 2006

Hey guess what?  I’ve got a bug up my ass.

What is it this time Joe?

Since you asked, said bug is society’s current obsession with Tinkerbell. Yes, Tinkerbell, that buxom little tow-headed pixie from Peter Pan. WTF? Don’t get me wrong, so far as cartoon characters go she’s pretty hot; good rack, nice ass, big blue eyes, in fact I’m pretty sure the character of Betty Rubble was based on Tinkerbell. But the point is, I’m seeing her image everywhere lately and it's not as if this is something new.

Places I’ve seen Tinkerbell:

• In tattoo form
• Automobile window stickers
• Trailer hitch covers
• Clothing
• Jewelry
• Paris Hilton's arms

When did the Tinkerbell obsession begin and more importantly, why? Am I not privy to some secret? Is Tink the new black? Do “the kids” know something that the old man ain’t hip to? Is everybody laughing at me behind my back because I obviously don’t get it? Well jokes over folks and the truth is, Tinkerbell's for fairies and losers. Fad officially over, please move on to Jiminy Cricket.

Along these same lines I’d like to offer another piece of what I consider to be very sage advice. If you’re over the age of 10 please do not wear any clothing (with the exception of a T-shirt) adorned with any of the following:

• Any Disney character
• Any Warner Bros. character (that would be Bugs Bunny, Foghorn Leghorn, Porky Pig, etc.)

Why—because you look like an ass, particularly if you happen to be wearing what was probably a very expensive item, say a leather jacket, with the cast of The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Show on the back. Seriously, just stop it.

OK, the bugs been extracted. Thanks for your help.

Monday Blues

It’s amazing how Mondays make for such a morose office atmosphere. Blah.

So happy Monday to you. How was your weekend? What did you do?

Us? Well the boy had baseball team photos Saturday morning. He’s a Diamondback this year. So far during his “career” he’s been on the White Sox, the Yankees, the Red Sox and the Astros. What was really cool is that we were the Red Sox the year after they won the series, a very coveted little league team that year.

So we’re Diamondbacks this year. OK, fine. Snakes are cool. First game is coming up next weekend and I’m looking forward to seeing the team suited and booted and ready to play. The boy has himself a new bat. The boy can hit and at only 16 oz., I’m anxious to see how it improves his play. So after team photos there were the Opening Day Ceremonies where they parade all the teams into the gym of the local high school, sing the National Anthem and then encourage folks to go spend lots of money on over-priced “snack shack” items, which we did. The girl was hoping to opt out of the ceremony, preferring instead the chance to stay Home Alone (she’s SO becoming a teenager) but we forced her to support her brother and pretend she cared. I don’t recall but she may have been sitting in the stands reading a book.

What else…washed the cars, cleaned the house and prepared a "day after" corned beef and cabbage and invited my folks to join us because "everyones Irish the day after St. Patrick's Day."  Everyone probably also regrets having been Irish the day after St. Patrick's Day. Wait a minute. All of the above happened on Sunday. What the hell did we do on Saturday? Give me a minute… my goodness, I can’t remember…other than the meat pizza and watching Holy Smoke on Saturday night, the rest of the day is blank. Chores I guess. I know on Friday night Lisa and the girl went to a play, the boy spent the night at Austin’s and I was a good Catholic, avoided meat (hence the MEAT pizza on Saturday) and watched Harsh Times. Harsh Times was just OK but Christian Bale is a pretty damn good actor. Holy Smoke was an odd flick, but I do like Kate Winslet. I’m quite surprised That she has not yet won an Oscar, though she’s been nominated many times. One day I’m sure.

Still trying to recall what happened on Saturday. Just another lost day… So what did you do?

Another Star Bites the Dust

No, I'm not talking about another celebrity death; I am, of course, referring to the fabled Stardust Resort and Casino on the sultry Las Vegas strip, imploded yesterday to make room for yet another mega-resort, the Echelon.

Built in 1958, the Stardust was born during the glory days of a mob-run Vegas, they way it ought to be. The stardust was the subject of Nicholas Pileggi's book, Casino: Love and Honor in Las Vegas, Which became the basis for the film, Casino, starring Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci. In the film, De Niro played Sam "Ace" Rothstein opposite Pesci's Nicky "Sport" (kidding about the "Sport"-inside joke) Santoro. Rothstein and Santoro were based on Frank "Lefty" Rosenthal and Anthony "The Ant" Spilotro, who ran the Stardust on behalf of the Chicago and Kansas City Mafia during the 60's and 70's.

Other notable Stardust film references:

The movie Showgirls, a great shitty movie about strippers battling to be the top Stardust showgirl, was filmed at the Stardust.

Swingers, starring a young and thin Vince Vaughn, also filmed several scenes at the Stardust. 

Behind the 8 Ball

Thanks to the flu, I've been out of work since March 7. I've got story deadlines of March 16, multiple press releases needing to be drafted, crafted and released and a five page "message" from our president in Tokyo that's in desperate need of a re-write. And I'm still on the mend.

In short, I'll be back. Until then, talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. The wonderful work of Arthur Robins as seen above.  Discuss.

p.s. If part of that discussion involves possible gift ideas for my birthday, I'm quite partial to Arthur's painting, Dawn in the City.