One Hot Dog with a Pallet of Spleen Please

My sister, Pam, tells me that my blog is too angry. I think she's trying to tell me in a nice way that I have issues.

Be that as it may, I will do my daily best to allow Kinder-Gentler Joe to emerge more often. That is when  Bitter and Twisted Joe agrees to take his boot off of KG's esophagus. Today is not that day.

I went to Costco during my lunch hour. How I loath the hellishness that is Costco. I went mainly for the five-pound bags of pretzels that my lovely wife doles out as snacks to those first graders in her class whose parents are too lazy to send them with a few graham crackers. But we all know that it makes no sense to brave Costco for just one measly item. So I had a list. It was not a long list:

• pretzels
• Monster
• dish soap
• dishwasher soap
• NuGo Bars
• chicken sandwiches
• vegetable oil

Quite manageable, I will agree. Oh, but that is before you factor in all the other fuckers who have also decided to brave Costco during their lunch hour. "Oh"  #2; it's raining today.  This means that the parking lot was the proverbial cluster-fuck. I normally don't even bother trying to get a space up close but today it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

After sloshing in from the back forty, I began to weave my way through the store. You know all those idiots who, just moments ago, were driving their cars around the parking lot like blind paraplegics? Well now all those blind paraplegics were inside attempting to maneuver shopping carts. And then, THEN, because it was lunch time, all the fat, blind, paraplegics were clogging the aisles while clogging their arteries on bite-size samples of free Kirkland Bacon and Kirkland Ravioli served in bite-size paper cups. Don't these people have homes? Or a $1.50  to at least  buy the Costco Hot Dog 'n Drink Combo?

Do you recall when I mentioned that the main reason for my trip was pretzels?  Yes, THEY WERE OUT OF FUCKING PRETZELS.

I grew hungry and needed to fill my stomach with something other than bile, so I coughed up the $1.50 for the Hot Dog 'n Drink Combo, slapped some 'turd and 'chup on it, shoved it in my jacket pocket to keep it dry and sloshed back out to my car where I then sat in the Costco parking lot to eat said hot dog.

Shh, listen. Do you hear that?  Kinder-Gentler Joe just expired. I guess I should have taken the boot off of his throat sooner.