Hey Joe

Let's Get Ready to Gorge

Vs.

Human eating machine, Takeru Kobayashi, will return to Tennessee to defend his title in a hamburger eating contest sponsored by fast-food chain Krystal Co., maker of some sort of small, square hamburgers which sound suspiciously like White Castle burgers.

Kobayashi will have to face Bay Area glutton, Joey Chestnut, a big name on the Competitive Eating circuit.

Of course if you're not into this sort of thing you probably haven't heard of either of them but just so you know, Kobayahsi is the shit-daddy of food slamming. Last year he guzzled 67 of these burgers to claim the title AND a check for $10,000.  Not bad for eight minutes of work.

Kobayashi also holds the title of hot dog-eating champion, after eating 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest at Coney Island, New York. OK, like I totally plagiarized that entire sentence from this article.

Chestnut is no slouch when it comes to making a pig of himself. He holds the record for grilled-cheese sandwich shoving.

Should be quite a match up.

Oedipus 428 BC -2006

When I first read the headline “Teen rapes mother” I was obviously sickened. But then I watched the video and realized a couple of things:

• This took place in Alabama
• This took place in a trailer park
• Mom was passed out drunk on the couch at the time

It's nice to see that Gary Helms Jr. is keeping the old Alabama tradition of getting your date drunk first, alive and well.

My world makes sense again.

R.I.P., The Big KO

Trevor Berbick

1955-2006

Ex-Heavyweight boxing champ, Trevor Berbick was murdered on Saturday in a church courtyard in his native Norwich village, Jamaica.

Berbick, the last boxer to beat Muhammad Ali back in 1981, was pronounced dead at the Port Antonio Hospital. The ex-champ appeared to have suffered a blow to the head from a hatchet or a machete. A 20-year old man, who residents believe had been involved in a land dispute with Berbick, has been arrested in connection with the slaying.

After beating Ali in 1981,Berbick went on to win the WBC heavyweight title fours years later in a decision over Pinklon Thomas. However he did not hold the title for long. 20-year-old Mike Tyson knocked Berbick out in the second round of their bout on Nov. 22, 1986,  becoming the youngest heavyweight champion in history.

Secondhand News

In yet another example of the cutting edge nature of this blog, today Yahoo News reports on the phenomenon that is, yawn, fried coke.

Been there, done that. You snooze, you lose, Yahoo News.

Try Not to Piss Me Off... oops, too late

Since I’m already grumpy, I may as well continue in this vein and vent my spleen on some of my other gripes. This in no way should be construed as a complete list. My bile runs long and deep. This is just a declaration of things that have pissed me off recently.

• People yapping loudly on cell phones (this is a theme I return to again and again)
• Some guy sitting near me, shoes off, rubbing his own feet.
• People talking business (usually in confined places like elevators) that use phrases like “we need to dialogue with…”, “that’s doable”, “You need to get with so & so on that.”
• People that use the term “nosh” for eat
• Anyone who invades my brain with their one-sided conversation, be it a co-worker on a personal phone call in the next cube or some chatty Kathy on a cell phone while I’m eating lunch.
• Loud talkers in general – people to whom you’d like to say “Shut the fuck up.”
• Woman sitting near me coughing her dumb ass off
• People who walk around with a Bluetooth® permanently attached to their ear whether they’re on the phone or not. The fact that wearing a Bluetooth® has become another fashion accessory.
• People who talk on their cell phones while taking a shit in a public restroom
• When I’m trying to untie my shoes and the fucking knots somehow become more knotted then when I originally tied them
• The fact that hardly anyone posts comments on this blog. Many tell me that they read it but I'm growing skeptical. Yes I know this sounds pathetic. Piss off. John, you're not included in this group.
• People that don't know how to use their turn signals and basically just suck behind the wheel. Oh, and hitting every red light every time.
• The term “24/7”
• This blog when it does not format properly

Rolling Offed

Danny Harold Rolling, Florida's "most notorious serial killer since Ted Bundy" has been executed.

Rolling was pronounced dead approximately thirty minutes ago (or 6:13 EST). Rolling was convicted of the very brutal 1990 slayings of five college students in Gainesville, Florida.

Media reports state that Rolling ate his last meal shortly before noon. It consisted of lobster tail, butterfly shrimp, baked potato, strawberry cheesecake and sweet tea. Sounds too good for this bastard.

"He enjoyed his last meal. He ate every bite," said Corrections Department spokesman Robby Cunningham

So there you go. Our mutual obsession has been slaked.

Crime Doesn't Pay

Took a walk at lunch time today instead of, oh I don’t know, having lunch. I’m trying to skip a meal here and there as my fucking waistline doesn’t seem to be shrinking no matter how many burgers, pizza or fried food I guzzle. Needless to say the lack of grub isn’t helping my mood at all.

So I’m walking around Todos Santos Plaza, feeling pissy, and pop into one of those Half Price Book stores. Well actually before popping, I browsed the many remainder racks they had parked on the sidewalk; the books that one could conceivably walk away with and be reasonably sure a Half Price employee wouldn’t expend the energy to give chase.

I picked up Popcorn, modestly priced at $1.00.What the hell, right? (My subsequent review of the book reviews posted on Amazon.com sort of make me wish I’d spent that dollar on a McDonald’s value meal) Browsing further I discovered Boonville, by Robert Mailer. I recalled reading something about this book several years ago and thinking it sounded like a good read. The price tag was all but missing except for what appeared to be the top half of a "2" which implied $2.00. This irked me as I figured if it’s outside, waiting to be stolen, they shouldn’t be asking more than $1.00. “I’ll show them”, I said to myself and using my thumbnail I scraped the tag off. “When I check out I’ll simply tell them where I found the book and they’ll ring it up for $1.00, as they should."

At check out time the gal looks at the book and its missing price tag, looks at me and says,
“The remainder price on this is $3.00.”

What could I say?  “No it’s not, it was priced at $2.00 but I’m a cheap bastard and was trying to screw you out of a dollar.” Of course not. I said “OK”, paid my $4.33 and left, laughing at my bad karma.

To add insult to financial injury (did I mention I was a cheap bastard?) I found the same book on Amazon, currently available at the low, LOW price of .01, so if you really want to get technical about it, I basically dicked myself out of $1.99 (if you don’t count the shipping/handling charges at Amazon, which you can’t or else it ruins the story).

R.I.P.

Sandy West

1959-2006

Sandy West, rock drummer and co-founder of the 1970's chick rock group The Runaways, has died of lung cancer at the age of 47.

A 16 year old West started the group in 1975 with singer/guitarist, Joan Jett. Jett went on to form her own band, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts after the break-up of The Runaways in 1979.

"We shared the dream of girls playing rock and roll. Sandy was an exuberant and powerful drummer," Jett said in a statement. "I am overcome from the loss of my friend. I always told her we changed the world."

The Runaways headlined shows back in the late '70's employing such opening acts as Tom Petty and Cheap Trick.

Other members of The Runaways included Cherie Currie, Vicki Blue and Lita Ford.

In the News...

So Tom and Katie have set a wedding date, or so they say. I'll believe it when I see it. However, US Magazine reports on their website that "after a year and a half of anticipation" the freaky little couple in question plan to wed this November in Italy. A year and a half of anticipation on the part of whom? I haven't been waiting in anticipation, have you?  In truth does anybody really and I mean really give a shit? I didn't think so.

So what else is happening...oh did you read about the asshole who pulled a gun on his son's football coach because he felt his boy wasn't getting enough playing time? Seems Wayne Derkotch of Philly exchanged words with the coach about which six and seven year olds were getting the most field time. There was an altercation and Derkotch pulled a gun. He fled before he could be arrested but from the look of his mug it would appear someone got in a good  poke before he pussied out. Jackass.

And here's a big shocker: Humans living far beyond planet's means.  Seems we're continuing to consume and destroy faster than Mother Nature can keep up with us. According to the World Wildlife Fund, humans are "stripping nature at an unprecedented rate and will need two planets worth of natural resources every year by 2050 on current trends"  Marvelous. At least I fill up MY recycling can much faster than my trash can. How about you? Yes indeed. I'll be able to pat myself on the back when my children and grand-children are foraging for grubs whilst wearing their Nike UV-C Radiation Suits.

As you can see I'm still having that pesky bitterness problem. What can I say? I'm working on it. I was always told that curmudgeons were lovable? Whatever.

Good-night and good news.

Cola-Gate?

It's hardly The Falcon and the Snowman but we take what we can get here at So...anyway.

As reported in Yahoo News, Edmund Duhaney and Ibrahim Dimson could possibly face  up to 10 years in prison and a $250,000 fine for conspiring with Coca-Cola secretary, Joya Williams to steal "trade secrets" from Coke and sell them to "arch rival", PepsiCo.

The three have been accused of stealing new product samples and confidential documents which they tried to sell to PepsiCo. However, PepsiCo, being the upstanding patriotic American company that it is, refused to play ball and warned Coca-Cola of this dastardly plot.

This reminds me of when Marcia Brady's boyfriend (and Westdale High's rival quarterback) Jerry Rogers, tried to steal Westdale High's football play book to give the Fairview finks an unfair advantage in the big game. Greg created a phony play book so that  the Fairview team would be totally screwed come game time. But patriotic do-gooder that he was, Greg just couldn't allow the game to be rigged in Westdale's favor and fessed up to the phony play book.

This patriotic American is considering switching to Pepsi products. I feel better about getting my wasted calories and tooth decay from a True American corporation like Pepsi.