Hey Joe

R.I.P. Number Three

Dennis Weaver

1924-2006

OK, the rest of you celebrities out there can now breath a sigh of relief and rest easy, at least until the next celebrity passing. Number three is official. Dennis Weaver passed away today at his home in Ridgway Colorado.

Weaver is probably best know for the 1970-77 detective series, McCloud but my personal Weaver favorite has to be the 1971 film Duel directed by a young Steven Spielberg.  Weaver plays a mild-mannered (did he ever play any other type) business man who finds himself in a death race with a psychotic, faceless trucker. All we ever see of the trucker is his boot on the gas pedal and the occasional hairy arm.  Great suspense flick and well worth checking out.

In any event, Dennis is gone and Hollywood celebs are off the hook...for now.

R.I.P.

Darren McGavin

1922-2006

Most folks probably remember Darren as the grumpy, goofy father in the now 1983 classic, A Christmas Story. However my personal favorite is the 1972 television movie, The Night Stalker. In fact I actually bought this movie I liked it so much. It's a little campy by today's standards but was great stuff in my youth.  Godspeed Kolchak.

R.I.P.

Don Knotts       

1924-2006

Don never quite topped his portrayal of Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show but then, I hated Three's Company even before his embarrassing Mr. Furley came along. Farewell Barn.

Freaks Are People Too

My wife informed me last night that, IHHO, my post about the freaks came across as very mean and angry.   

Now my wife knows me and she knows that…well that I’m odd I guess. I spout off without always thinking, form opinions based on nothing more than my feeling at that moment, opinions that even I know that I don’t really hold. And I'm not really that mean, but damnit it feels good to spout and the freaks do piss me off sometimes.

That being said, I don’t HATE the freaks. Hate is a strong word and there’s far too much hate in this world already. I don’t need to add to it.

So my apologies to the freaks. I accept you in all your freakishness. You are Americans after all and are entitled to the same rights as the rest of us—life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  So sally forth, yon freaks and multiply. Find like-minded freaks and produce lots of little freaks so that we never experience a freak shortage. 

In fact we need more freaks. Bring back the traveling carnivals!  Give me bearded ladies, dog-faced boys, human reptiles, frog girls, rubber men and Siamese twins. And dwarfs, dwarfs, dwarfs as far as the eye can see! I want to be able to toss a dwarf with 100% certainty of striking another dwarf.  I want metal eaters and human pincushions, three-legged men and human skeletons. I LOVE freaks.

I mean that in a nice and happy way.

Where There's Smoke There's Fire

Corporate America discriminates against non-smokers.

Yea, you heard me. And I defy any of you that work for a large corporation to dispute that statement.

Companies are getting about two hours more work out of you non-smokers than your smoking counterparts and you’re not paid anymore for your efforts. In fact, when you look at it you’re being paid less because the smokers are working fewer hours and making the same amount of money, all things being equal.

Most smokers I’ve worked with take a smoke-break pretty much every hour on the hour and it’s usually not a “run down stairs, suck in some nicotine to stop the twitching, run back to their desk” type of break. Smokers are leisurely about it, taking nice slow drags, chatting with the other chimneys, maybe even enjoying a second smoke. So if they take fifteen minutes every hour that works out to two hours in an eight hour day. (Correct me if I’m wrong, math not being my strong suit).

Companies are not allowed to discriminate when it comes to hiring but let’s face it, if a manager hires a smoker he/she knows that person is going to be away from their desk a good 1-2 hours more than the non-smoker. Less productivity for the same money they would pay a non-smoker.  Should smokers be paid less money because of their habit? Maybe so but I can tell you this; if I owned a company I’d certainly keep a close eye on the number of breaks my smokers were taking.

So what does this mean? Are non-smokers better employees? Is the company really getting more work out of the non-smokers?  Probably not. Maybe the non-’s spend more time in the bathroom or at the proverbial water cooler or walking around flirting with co-workers. The problem is unless companies become mini-Big Brothers there’s no way to really monitor the activities of all the employees. But unless we roll back the clock and allow smokers to light up at their desks you can expect them to continue to vanish like clock work.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I've got nothing

What do you people want from me? Blood?

Superfreak

Have I mentioned that I hate the fucking freaks?

Every office has them, these weird, anti-social fuckers that walk the hallways, avoiding eye contact and giving a barely audible response when greeted with a passing “How’s it going?”   I mean really, what’s with these people?

Their defenders will say:

“Oh they’re just shy.”

Fuck that. Shyness is such a bullshit excuse. Shyness applies to children. Grown men and women whose eyes dart everywhere but at the eyes of another human being are fucking freaks. You can work with some of these people for years and not learn a goddamn thing about them. Asswipes.

I get the occasional ration of shit for being what some deem as flirtatious. OK I can live with that. I’m a flirt. But I’m a social flirt dammit. I talk to everyone and I flirt with the dogs as well as the dolls. I don’t discriminate against the fuglies. So long as they’ve got a good personality, can joke around and diss the man they’re OK with me.

So why do the freaks bother me so much? I’m usually a pretty big proponent of the live and let live philosophy. What do I care if someone else is lacking in social skills?  I really don’t know but I sometimes want to bitch slap these fuckers for an explanation as to why they’re so weird.

“What’s your fucking problem, Jack? Jesus H. Christ I bet you got your ass kicked a lot in school. You know why? Because you’re a fucking freak that’s why. Now do yourself and everyone else a favor and stop being such a jerk off."

Who's a holla back girl? Not this Dirty White Boy.

Jesus, I need to take a nap.

NEXT!

Those of you who know me knew it wouldn't be long before I got around to blogging about this subject.  Let's get on with it.

On many occasions the thought has occurred to me that the whole idea of the "public restroom" is just plain wrong.

I admit that I've always been sort of shy when it comes to the bathroom, particularly the shitter. I'm not a person who can shit under pressure. If I'm under any sort of time constraint forget it. I just can't perform. I need to know that I will have an uninterrupted block of time in order for my innards to relax enough to relive themselves.  The actual performance may only take a minute of that block of time but mentally  I need to know the time is available should I need it.  Stop laughing.

So anyway, the public restroom dilemma. I know that we all "do it". Big deal. Does that mean I want to "hear" it or worse, "smell" it? There are some things that nature intended to be done alone regardless of the collective experience of the act.  I think this is one of them, perhaps the only one really as I can argue the pros for company with regard to other solitary acts.

Also, we begin to learn far too much about our co-workers in the public arena.  Some people eat what must be some nasty shit (pun intended). Some make odd noises. Others take far too long and are fooling no one that it's taking them that long to shit. I like to believe that they're simply avoiding work, which I can respect, so we'll stick to that theory.  Some are very open about their purpose, boldly strolling to the restroom, newspaper under their arm. These are usually the same people that you can set your watch by.

"What time is it?"

"Fred just went by with his paper. Must be 9:15."

And why is it that some folks choose the middle stall, thereby optimizing the chance for company while doing their business? It's the same rational applied to the urinal; always take on on the end. If one is not available then you take the one that's furthest away from any other visitor. This is simple logic. I shouldn't have to spell it out for anyone.

I'll leave it at that, but know this. I'm not the only one that dwells on this topic. Cookiebitch knows what I'm talking about and has waxed poetic, and much more eloquently than I. Maringuy also weighs in on this topic.

So stop laughing. I have friends.

Spotted: One Naked Emperor

I’m going to go out on a limb here and ask the question:

What the hell are we doing handing over management of six major U.S. seaports to a United Arab Emirates based company?

CNN.com reports that:

The deal -- which will affect the ports of New York and New Jersey; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Baltimore, Maryland; Miami, Florida; and New Orleans, Louisiana -- has triggered security concerns among some members of Congress and the public.

The Bush Administration, however, has said that the UAE is a key ally in the war on terror.

The report goes on to state that:

"two of the September 11, 2001, hijackers were from the UAE. In addition, most of the hijackers received money channeled through various sources based in the UAE, according to the Justice Department and the 9/11 Commission.

"Earlier this month, shareholders of the U.K.-based Peninsular and Oriental Steam Navigation Company (P&O) approved the company's acquisition by Thunder FZE, a subsidiary of Dubai-based Dubai Ports World.

"P&O directs commercial operations at the six U.S. ports. The takeover by DPW means that the Dubai company will be in charge of those operations"

Senator. Charles Schumer, a New York Democrat is quoted as saying:

"Outsourcing the operation of our largest ports to a country with long involvement in terrorism is a homeland security accident waiting to happen,"

Hello?  Even Tom Ridge, former Secretary of Homeland Security, is quoted as saying:

“… I think it's very appropriate for the administration to go to the Hill and explain why they think they have not compromised security and, in fact, as they've announced, they will enhance and improve security, It's tough to see that right now on the surface."

Now we’re assured by Michael Seymour, President of P&O, that the company:

"has long worked with U.S. government officials in charge of security at the ports to meet all U.S. government standards. We are confident that the DP World purchase will ensure that our operations will continue to meet all relevant standards,"

Well, I feel better.

Still a Loser After All These Years

In case anyone was wondering, no I did not win the $365 million dollar Powerball jackpot.

Why?

Because I didn't play.

Why?

Because California is not part of the juggernaut that is POWERBALL. 

But the main reason is that I'm a big LOSER when it comes to being lucky at winning millions of dollars. After many years of playing so I can win, I still have yet to come up with the winning combination of five plus the mega number necessary to win the SuperLotto Plus.

The California Lotto website reads, and I quote:

"To win, all you have to do is pick five numbers from 1 to 47 and one MEGA number from 1 to 27 and match them to the numbers drawn by the Lottery."

That's it folks! That's all you have to do! So why are you sitting on your fat, worthless asses reading this dribble when you could be down at your local Beer 'n Beef Jerky Emporium making yourself rich beyond your wildest dreams? Odds in winning: 41,416,353 to 1.

At this very moment the missus is down at Long's hopefully buying me the March, SPECIAL ADDITION-Vanity Fair where I can read about (OK ogle) the supple, sinewy likes of Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson, the latter of which graces the cover along with an "ultra thin" Keira Knightley and fashion designer Tom Ford.

Actress Rachel McAdams was also to appear on the cover but according to Ford as quoted in the The Advocate:

"Actress Rachel McAdams, got cold feet and decided not to disrobe for photographer Annie Leibovitz. "I think she felt uncomfortable," Ford said, "and I didn't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable."

It goes on to say that the reason Ford entered the shot is:

"Three girls in a bed is a bed full of girls. Two girls in bed are lesbians."

Wouldn't three girls in a bed just be three lesbians? Four girls in a bed, four lesbians? Five the makings of a great daisy chain and so on?

I could go on and on but she's home! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!